Monday, 27 March 2017

Shit HAPPENED - or fuckit, I'm doing a cleanse.

***This post deals with extremely graphic bodily functions. If you don't believe everyone poops, this article is not for you. That said...

Ow ow ow ow, I'm thinking as I'm sitting on the toilet, again. I destroyed my asshole . 

And all because I finally decided to do something about my chronic exhaustion, bad diet and dad belly; I mentally snapped and purchased a cleansing kit.

I remember, there was this time, nearly fifteen years ago when 'cleansing' was the 'in' thing to do. Maybe it still is but my life and social circle has changed from knowing who is starring in the next Tarantino movie to knowing who all the pups in the Paw Patrol are. 

I know all about 'cleansing'. There was this girlfriend of a drinking buddy who would constantly bring everyone else down because she'd be the only one not drinking and even if nobody asked she would find some opportunity (such as the waitress saying "would you like a drink?") to tell everyone she was on a cleanse. 

She said it as if it was something to be proud of. But not matter how many times she ‘cleansed’ she was still always a bit of a dick. We were all pretty happy when they finally broke up. 

Now, nearly twenty years and twenty pounds later, I've decided to get serious about my health. No matter what you might think now, I’m here to tell you your body changes after 40. I start to think of the bathroom consequences of many of the foods I am about to eat. God help my toilet and asshole if I start craving hot sauce again. Funnily enough, I just watched an episode of Teen Titans GO! that perfectly summed up my addiction to spicy food. 

Monday, 9 January 2017

Shit happens

December 15th, 2016

Today was officially the last day of a 10 year social services career. It ended quietly, perhaps fittingly the way it should have; just me and one client. The other one who is usually there had committed himself earlier in the week; hallucinating and hearing voices. He will return next week, a change in his meds and the side effects that go with it. I'm glad I'm not there for that. Instead me and the other guy spend my last shift going to the mall, grabbing some snacks and watching TV until shift change.

It was a good time, basically just baby-sitting a young-at-heart adult. He's a funny guy and our running joke was "I want my two dollars", a line from Better Off Dead I kept throwing at him because I bought him a coffee the night before and I knew full well he would not ever pay me back. I showed him this clip on youtube so he'd better understand why I kept saying that to him.

Now, nobody ever pays a care aide worker back, except in the occasional back-handed compliment like 'I could never do the job you do'. That's bullshit. Anybody can do the job I do, much like anyone can do the job you do, if they chose to want to do it. I don't kid myself, what I do isn't rocket science or political espionage. It was simply trying to make someone's life better for a few hours a day. Often, whose life you were trying to make better wasn't the person you thought it was. Every job I've been in I've been told never to lend money or buy something for a client, much less buy them something expecting it to paid back. But sometimes, the best thing I could do for them (and my own sense of self) was to reach into my own pocket and buy them a coffee or a burger. That is the only real words of wisdom I can say I learned after 10 years.

Saturday, 22 October 2016

On reaching 730,000 'viewers'

This is the opening sentence which is supposed to hook you and make you read on. It should be click-baity or something. Maybe have 'you won't believe what happens next' as the title.

So I'm going to throw a number at you and you won't believe what happens next.


That's how many times my articles on the Internet have been viewed.

At least. Don't know how many were robots or people but even if it was 50-50, that is a pretty impressive number.

My books/short stories have been downloaded by 600 plus people via smashwords or kindle for their ereaders or cell phones. Technology. However, I have to clear a couple thousand ebooks or old-fashioned paper books on Amazon before I'd see a royalty check but I'm not in it for the money, although that would be nice.

After this blog post is published, one of you lucky bastards will be my 40,000th reader to this blog alone.

Sunday, 18 September 2016

A Real Letter From An Underemployed Me, 2004

- I found this in the draft folder of an old email account. Its a mass email I sent out to all my old contacts/friends at the time bFB (before Facebook). Some of you who read this may still remember it because I do some name-dropping in it when I was a DGC locations assistant. I find reading it sort of funny if you are into that sort of thing. 

And this was apparently before it was okay to only have 1 space after a period as I'm double-spacing every sentence. 

Thanks, public education. 

Friday, 2 September 2016

Wedding Day Memories

It took nearly 45 years to truly dedicate myself heart and soul to someone, someone I've known for only 8 years but hasn't aged a day in her spirit. Someone who has shown me that I am more than what I believed, someone who has chosen to believe in me and our future together. It's been a hard yet fun road to this point with her and near every day I should remind myself this is real.

We have our fights but they don't change how we feel about each other. One bad sentence in a story won't change the ending. Jaime chose me to start a family, I chose her to raise one with me. As I watch my beautiful daughter and my two sons, all with such large personalities I am forever grateful I have her to share these memories with me.

Sure, we made some mistakes in the planning, nothing was as simple as we hoped but yet it nothing mattered to us. No ice for the beer? My bad, but no longer my problem. It's starting to rain? No problem. You can't find our kids? Not our problem. We didn't write out our thank you list? Oops, our bad. We meant no offense if we forgot anyone. No coffee for the morning after? Shit - we'll run down to the store to grab some 7 AM Sunday morning.

Personally, I felt I wrote a killer speech, thanking a lot of individuals for helping me make it to this day. I am sort of glad I didn't have it - I doubt I could have gotten past the first two people before my voice would break up and everyone would be staring at me as I'm losing my shit, crying like a baby. Someone once said it is only okay for a man to cry if he lost the big game or if his dog dies. I think publicly thanking his friends should be up there too. But I did get to thank a lot of people individually. Some left before I got to them and that sucked. Some I didn't get to thank until the next morning. But I was able to thank them for not only being part of our day, but also being part of my life. For so many to come so far and I only a spent a few quality minutes with them, it made me realize again why I have always considered them my closest friends, even if I hadn't seen them for years.

So life will move on. It is hard to believe it has nearly been a week already but things are just starting to get back to normal. Everyone has left, we've gone back to school shopping and barring a few wedding decorations needing a home, it is almost as if last week was a dream.

A crazy, beautiful dream. Thank you for being a part of it. Thank you to Jaime Royston, love of my life, even if it took a few years.