Rehashing/Updating Playoff Reviews;

It's come down to this, the Final Four. Coincidentally, they are also the last 4 Stanley Cup champions so you know that most of these guys know what it takes to win the Cup. More importantly, that guy behind the bench with the continual axe over his head knows what it takes to win and they will do everything possible in the name of job security to keep their general managers and owners happy.

While it is often said talent wins championships, you only have to look at those players that have never won a Cup to know that is not true. It takes teamwork, talent and a hard-working coach that tries to maximize every little advantage in the name of winning (Alain Vigneault famously rarely had the Sedins take a face-off in the defensive zone). It is safe to say that if it weren't for the work of these four men and their assistants that we wouldn't be pretty psyched up for these two conference finals.


The Western Conference

#1 Chicago Blackhawks

Analyzing The Team - The Chicago Blackhawks nearly went undefeated the entire year if it weren't for GARY BETTMAN who insisted they had to lose a few games in the interest of the rest of the league. They were so good that their back up goalie had a record of 17 Wins and 1 loss. Unless the dreaded President's Trophy Jinx come into effect, because of GARY BETTMAN, Chicago all the way. 

I really appreciate this coffee cake, Mom.

The Coach; Joel Quenneville. 

Jesus. This looks to be the face of a guy who is going off to kill babies or something during Roman times. This is also the face of a coach who's team got a point in 24 straight games to start the season so he's doing something right.

I wouldn't want to piss him off and i think that's probably the Hawks biggest fear and why they win.

The Blackhawks 'ass-sceen' was universally praised and welcomed by
opposing goalies but GARY BETTMAN ruled it illegal. 

Analyzing the Team Name - The Blackhawks are actually not the name of a Native American tribe but the 1st owner's machine gun unit in World War 1, says the drunk old-timer beside you at the pub. Today, the Blackhawks are synonymous with the greatest sports team ever and also Vince Vaughn so they still have a bit of a conflicting image problem. Yet, as long as they manage to get the puck onto any one of their forward's sticks look to them to win any given night. Especially vs. whoever their eastern opponent is. 

#5 Los Angeles Kings

Analyzing The Team - Los Angeles is known as the City of Angels, but the LA Angels sounded too girly so they were named the much more masculine Kings. The Kings were one of the 'Next 6' teams that entered the league in the late 60's to great fan fare and decades of losing (see Vancouver Canucks early years). They have had many great moments in team history but nobody knows it because they barely crack the top 100 of things to do in LA, just above 'snort cocaine off Gary Busey's driveway'. Last year they apparently won the Stanley Cup, the first 8th seeded team to do so in North American sports, showing that really, final standing means nothing in the NHL, thanks to GARY BETTMAN.

I really appreciate this coffee cake, Mom.

The Coach; Daryl Sutter

And here's his polar opposite. This guy looks to have the patience of a turtle (and yes, he kind of looks like one too). He's a guy that will patiently wait for the zamboni guy to scrape the ice away from zamboni doors before going on the rink. He's also a guy who has led a team of cast-offs to Stanley Cup glory, becoming the first team to beat the 1st and 2nd place teams to do that. 

I'd say his players win not because they fear him, but they just want him to be proud of them. 

Nobody really cared for the new guy, 'Mike Messier'.

Analyzing the Team Name - A King is 2nd only to God in terms of power rankings, although throughout history Popes have disputed this fact. LA is also habited by many queens, a couple of princes and Mathew Perry. King head coach Darryl Sutter was praised for his ability to spark a mediocre team to Stanley Cup glory and to raise sporadic power forward Dustin Penner from the dead and make him a 2 time Stanley Cup champion, which causes Hall of Famers Cam Neely, Jarome Iginla, Eric Lindros and Wendel Clark to weep silently into their pillows at night.

In terms of Anger Management Issues, Blackhawks take this series in 6 games.

The Eastern Conference

#4 Boston Bruins

Analyzing the team - Have an emotional end of the season, having to postpone 2 games to extenuating circumstances and Tim Thomas's facebook statuses.  They are run by the Dark Lord himself, Jeremy Jacobs who is rumored to deduct the cost of a puck going out of play off of the offending player's salary.

I really appreciate this coffee cake, Mom.

The Coach; Claude Julien

Although he looks a bit mad here, he also looks as if he could easily be your drunken Uncle Burt at the latest family gathering or at the very least, the overly passionate fan beside you at a football game. You feel that his game plan consists of simple speeches like 'Go get'm!'.

His players win because he's the type of coach that proves to be hilarious once he's drunk.

To be fair, that is a duck he's beating on

Analyzing the team name - Bruins are a Eurasian name for a species of bear, which was once plentiful in Europe but have been all but made extinct by the voracious appetite of giant Zdeno Chara who insists on eating one every morning on game day. Still, a bruin would be considered a formidable opponent, even if Chara hadn't already eaten it.

More FOOODDD

vs

#1 Pittsburgh Penguins 

scarf optional

Analyzing the team - they are runaway favourite to come in 2nd for the Stanley Cup. Are known for having the second least intimidating team name after the Ducks and stocked up an already pretty stacked team with some character players at the deadline.

I really appreciate this coffee cake, Mom.

The Coach; Dan Blysma

First, this is the most unflattering picture i could find of Dan. He's just a super photogenic dude who i like to imagine that I was supposed to turn out like once i hit my fort-thirties. He looks more like your more successful older brother and the reason why his team wins is because they just want to impress him so he will buy them booze.
And oh yeah, he has a guy named Sidney Crosby on his team which helps immensely (see Glen Sather coaching record before and after Gretzky).

Come on, we dare you...

Analyzing the team name- the penguins are large, flightless, clumsy-moving birds that live in desolation and isolation in an inhospitable environment, so...Pittsburgh. They are known for their inability to take a puck to the teeth.

In the wild, when a Bruin meets a Penquin, carnage ensues. Same here. Bruins in 5.

Through the Plexi-glass... (The Other Timeline) 2013

Downgoesbrown did an article here about the general futility and lameness of the 2nd round of the NHL playoffs, which i think most will agree with.

I mean, the first round is full of hockey every day, where surprises can happen and dreams dashed (hi Torontonians). It's full-tilt excitement as Raffi Torres skates around around trying to hit every opponent in sight and Brendan Shanahan leans heavily on the 'Suspension' button and TSN guest panelists try not to look like they know jackshit about why some teams are winning and other teams are not winning.  Then as the first round nears it's conclusion, the 2nd round is upon us and the referees just let all types of shit go, leading to the usual 'double-standard' officiating that has been in place since the 2 referee system was introduced.

I mean...seriously...but i digress.


I remember back in the day when the league was 4 divisions. Nice and simple. 4 teams made it out of each division for a total of 16 (still the same). But back then, the 2nd round meant at least one team could claim the title of 'division champion' before going on to win/lose the 'conference championship' then finally finish the threepeat by becoming 'Stanley Cup champion'.

Your team was pretty much guaranteed to be in the top 4 of a 5 team division because there were always the Jets, the Whalers, the Washington Capitals that you could count on not to make the playoffs pretty much before Christmas was over. Now, it's a fucking crap-shoot from beginning to end, a complicated shit-show that pretty much keeps everyone in the playoff hunt until the last week of the season, thanks to the overtime point, the 6 or 8 separate divisions and the automatic inclusion of each division leader in the top 3 placings, no matter what their actual total points were.  It's messed up and confusing and helps to make the 2nd round effectively retarded from an emotional standpoint. You win or lose the 2nd round, nobody remembers or rewards you for it. It's just there, like a Chinese place mat.

Let's see what drama would have been produced if the NHL had kept to the original 4 format (i'll keep the expansion teams in the closest geographical locations just as soon as i figure out where Columbus is).

Now sit back. You are now about to enter a world, a world where the peanut butter is red and there is something under the fridge, perhaps a key, perhaps not. You don't know as you can't quite reach it. Instead you look behind you, it is a wooden frame, holding up a wooden slab. It has a handle. You have just found ...

The Scary Door. NHL Edition

In Honor of the Return of Arrested Development; 50 great jokes...

There are two groups of people in this world; those that have seen Arrested Development and those that have yet to see it which the first group would like to bunch in the face for being so behind the times.  To say the return of Arrested Development's dysfunctional Bluth family is anxiously anticipated by it's followers is like saying World War 2 was just a little misunderstanding over cheese. Unless you lived under a bus for the last 5+ years,  you should have heard of how intelligent and amazing this American sit-com was even if you didn't want to.

From it's not-so-subtle references to itself, to it's now common documentary-style filming and the  outstanding comedic ensemble from unseen narrator Ron Howard down to guest stars such as Charlize Theron and Scott Baio as Bluth love interests and Carl Weathers and Judge Reinhold as themselves, Arrested Development was put in the same league as the original Star Trek after it's cancellation; too smart for it's time and cancelled because of it. Most of it's current fan base have come from word of mouth after the release of it's 3 scaled down seasons on dvd and it's return on Netflix.

It is considered a victory by many on the internet that the Bluths have finally returned after a prolonged fight to get the cast all on the same timetable, a problem that resolved itself after Michael Cera, who was one of the more active actors immediately after the cancellation of the series, finally found his calendar free of upcoming film commitments thanks to his plummeting stock at the box office (despite some quality cult flicks in Scott Pilgrim and Year One) and the rising stock of the 'other Michael Cera', Jesse Eisenberg.

While Cera's shooting star film career had at times been blamed for the delay of AD to be truthful nearly all the main leads, including creator Mitch Hurwitz, have been pretty busy with other work in the intervening years. Thanks to Netflix, a one season exclusive distribution deal and feature film slated to hit direct viewing later this month will either finally shut a lot of people up or just increase the cult of Bluth, following the lead of other non-commerical break shows like Game of Thrones, House of Cards and Boardwalk Empire. The future is looking good for non-commercial interrupted television viewing.

It's impossible to formulate a 50 best Arrested Development jokes because all we would be doing is skimming the top of a veritable mountain of comedy. All this list should do for those awaiting AD's return is remind them of other jokes upon the other jokes, a hallmark of the show, an unending rabbit hole of amusement. Most of the one-liners are missed on first viewing because they are just a continuation of another joke that may have started episodes ago. Much of the comedy in AD comes from in-jokes, continual story-lines, comments on (then) current events, visual cues and cut-away inserts. The ability to stop and zoom in on those inserts are an Egg hunters dream. If you are able, I highly recommend it. For example; the sign in Wee Britain about Mary Poppuns (note spelling) states; “Caution: Please stay off my landing port... I’m not the tourist killing sort... But if you have a working girl to kill, please let her stay while I do my will.”

Impossible to read during normal viewing but just a quick example of the care taken in the commitment of the show to entertain.

Here are 50 pleasant memories to get us prepared for the return of Arrested Development and the subjects they address.

50 Yearbook pictures

In particular Steve Holt!'s yearbook pictures.  This is an example of just one of the many Easter Eggs awaiting closer viewing. Although the pictures go too fast to actually read the captions, if you pause and scroll, you will see that each one is a set up to the next,

They read, in order: (1) “Nickname: Steve Holt!, Activities: Football, I’m out of here!” (2) “Nickname: Steve Holt! Activities: Drama, Quote: ‘See ya, suckers!’ (3) Nickname: Steve Holt! Activities: Food Services, Quote: ‘Study hard, guys — trust me.’

His mother's name was 'Eve Holt' (naturally) and as Gob just mentioned that he banged her, thereby opening up the possibility Steve Holt(!) is his son, her caption reads "What have I done?" which was also one of Gob's catchphrases.

Fan Reactions to various Recent events via Goat.

How I will feel if Detroit beats Chicago;




How that logical Vancouver hockey fan feels about Alain Vigneault's firing;





How most every Canadian male felt when they heard Jay Onrait and Dan O'Toole were leaving TSN to go work for Fox Sports in the US;

Dialing it in; AV's firing...

Well, the Vancouver Canucks made what I like to refer to as another 'Messier' by firing all-time winningest coach in Canuck history, Alain Vani- Vaingne- AV a couple weeks after a 4 game sweep by the San Jose Sharks, 2 years after their near-Cup glory run in 2011.

'I heard there's a coaching position available?' 

Of course, being hockey nuts, we all know that. Some say that AV had to go, some say that he was thrown under the zamboni by a desperate GM, Mike Gillis.

Simple fact is that Vancouver (unofficial motto; keeping expectations unrealistically high since 1982) pressured Mike Gillis into this firing. Vancouver fans are a fickle bunch and most fail to realize that they should be grateful that they at least got to see a cup run during their generation. There are a lot of fans out there that haven't including Toronto, Montreal, both New York teams, San Jose, Nashville, St. Louis... the list goes on but let's face it, reaching the finals once every 15 years is a pretty good average compared to the bottom half of the league. Even Scotty Bowman didn't make it to the Stanley Cup every year he had a team and he won exactly only one more Jack Adams trophy for best NHL coach than AV has.  Go figure...

Vancouver is known as a goalie graveyard. It took only one year for Luongo to fall from grace to be replaced by someone who has around 5 playoff games under his pads. Thankfully, Luongo is still a celebrity on twitter and has shown himself to be one of the most amicable (and richest) back up goalies in history...so good for him.

Maybe it would be easier to just buy a new car
everytime I'm low on gas...

Maybe AV will take to twitter as well in the few weeks he's unemployed for he has officially become the most sought after coach in the league as of 1 minute after he was fired. For the record, it's almost better for a Canuck coach to not nearly win the cup than it is to just keep the team above 500.  It's the difference between being Marc Crawford and being Alain Vaingneault, however you spell it.

Roger Nielson, who led the team to the 82 finals, was released in less than 2 seasons after near glory. Pat Quinn, another Jack Adams Coach of the Year winner, like AV left the coaching to Rick Ley right after their near glory run in 1994.  Both of their successors lasted less than a few years before they were given walking papers.

The last 2 Canuck coaches, Marc Crawford and AV have led the team to more points in the last 13 years than the previous 9 coaches had in the 20 years before them, including Pat Quinn and Mike Keenan's records.

So, if present history holds true and if Patrick Roy can come back as the Colorado Avalanche head coach, then look to the Canucks to win fan favour by perhaps finally giving the reins to someone who will run the team into Avalanche type territory in the next couple of years before hiring either or both of the all-time greatest Canucks, Trevor Linden or Stan 'Steamer' Smyl.

Something in this picture isn't quite right...

Holy shit...would that be awesome.  

Retro Post; The Greatest Canuck Stanley Cup Run

Ahhh, Vancouver.  If Montreal is to the NHL what the Yankees are to MLB, then Vancouver Canucks are the NFL's Buffalo Bills.  They've been to the Big Show three times, only to each time come away empty.  Unless you happen to be in downtown Vancouver after the final game, then you are probably coming away with quite a few things unpaid for.

While 1983 was perhaps an anomaly in that nobody truly expected the Canucks to defeat the 2x defending champion New York Islanders (yes, you read that right), 1994 was the year when believers were made.  A strong core of forwards led by Pavel Bure, Trevor Linden, and Gino Odjick. Jyrki Lumme, Dave Babych and Dana Murzyn on defence and the last of the great stand up goaltenders in Kirk McLean, before everybody started adopting the Patrick Roy butterfly followed by hip surgery in your 30's style.  The Canucks provided an amazing playoff run full of drama, emotion and continuous highlight reel moments, courtesy of Pavel Bure. While the 2011 Canucks had the diving, the biting, the LUongoing nothing can beat 1994's team for sheer Hollywood drama.

First the dramatics of the come from behind 1st round seven game defeat of the Calgary Flames after being behind 3 games to 1 in the series, featuring Kirk McLean in 'The Save'

which led to the perhaps the biggest moment in Canuck playoff history up to that time, Pavel Bure and 'The Goal';

I love fans like these. It makes me feel better about myself.

Three videos of great hockey fans that I don't want to ever watch a game with.





He's so passionate and he so eloquently states the despair he feels of all that fight, all that resilience only to lose. I love how fans like him use 'we' as if he was personally out there on the ice as well, fighting and showing resilience against bigger and larger opponents rather than facing the resilience of having to be in the line up for Sports Chek where the only Maple Leaf sweaters left said Antropov on the back. Wait. That's the Soviet Union guy. I mean, Alexei Ponikarovsky.

Props to his bros, comforting him and telling him 'next year'. Cuz that's what hockey bros do.

NHL Playoffs 2013 - The Final Eight

Western Conference First Round Recap

Biggest Surprise; The Chicago Blackhawks allowed the Minnesota Wild to actually beat them once on the way to their 5 game victory. Showing what $200 million in off-season acquisitions can get you, besides a league-wide lockout, the Wild put on a daring display of ferocity and puck-moving while in practice scrimmages but were unable to translate that at game time, which to be fair at times would be best to visualize as flock of starlings going up against an Apache helicopter.

Biggest letdown; The Vancouver Canucks who apparently were in the finals 2 years ago but looked like it would have trouble beating the Edmonton Oilers' mothers in a pick-up game. Lacking any sense of passion, scoring or a true #1 goaltender, the Vancouver Canucks rode the apathy train to Sweeptown in losing 4 straight to San Torres Sharks with the only fight from the Canucks appearing in who could get to the team bus quickest in what should have been a much closer series than it was. However, for fans of the Canucks, they have lots to look forward to in the upcoming months as they continually read about potential trade rumors involving Roberto Luongo and discuss in fan forums how the referees, the league and Raffi Torres were out to get them.

The 2nd Round Match ups;

Chicago vs. Detroit 

                         vs         

On one side you have the Blackhawks, an unstoppable hockey force that plays with it's opponents the way Mike Tyson played with that guy's face in The Hangover. On the other side you have the other Original Six team, the Detroit Red Wings, who have absolutely nothing going for them other than their decades long tradition of being in the playoffs, their incredible depth of European talent and a guy named Jimmy Howard in net who at times has looked somewhat mortal.

Chicago in six because it's Detroit and every sports show loves showing a clip of someone picking up an octopus off the ice. 

My Opinion Matters, but It Doesn't: NHL Playoff headlines 2

PLAYOFF HEADLINES

SHARKS SWEEP CANUCKS; CHRISTY CLARK BLAMES DIX AND NDP

at least you can tell she shoots to the right

After the provincial favourite Vancouver Canucks were swept in four straight games by the San Jose Sharks BC Premier Christy Clark was quick to lay blame at the feet of NDP leader Adrian Dix.

"This is a direct result of the NDP and their leadership under Adrian Dix. If you elect me premier, I promise you the Vancouver Canucks will once again be Stanley Cup champions." said Clark through various social media channels and her blog. "If I could I would introduce back-to-work legislation on the two teams but I have been informed I can't, due to Adrian Dix and the NDP party."

I don't know what's going on but this is all DIX fault!"

When it was pointed out she was already Premier and the Canucks had never been Stanley Cup champions, Clark appeared dazed and confused, much like Roberto Luongo the day after the trade deadline.

My Opinion Matters, but It Doesn't: NHL Playoff headlines

So, it's the first couple of days of the NHL playoffs, our annual Spring rite that indirectly gives men in Canada the right to grow a beard until their favourite team loses. Which is why I always cheer for the Stanley Cup winning team. Yet, I can't grow a beard. Strange custom, but we Canadians are always looking for a reason not to shave.

beard growing may be our only similarity

Already a few things have happened in the last 48 hours which chip away at my resolve to watch the playoffs. I'm not a 100% all or nothing hockey fan, but i am Canadian. Work, family and chores take up a large chunk of my time and so when i have the few minutes to 'zone in' to a game I appreciate it.  That said, here are some observations of the little hockey i have watched;

Let's call this....

PLAYOFF HEADLINES

YES, WE KNOW.

TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS IN PLAYOFFS 1ST TIME IN 9 YEARS!

Holy shit, who doesn't know that already? I watched the 3rd period of their 1st game loss against Boston and heard it at least three times, saw it as a graphic twice and then heard it two more times that night on TSN Sportsdesk (without watching the mandatory 'what went wrong' special Leaf supplement they run). And I'm not even watching that much hockey right now.

If you are just tuning into the NHL (which you aren't because you are reading this)  there is no way you can escape this fact. I mean, I didn't even watch any of the pre-game, post-game, most-of-the-game and hockey highlight packages that all indubitably made mention of this. We get it, Toronto has sucked for a decade and now the team is better than the Florida Panthers, Tampa Bay Lightning, Carolina Hurricanes and a few other eastern teams so sucky I can't be bothered to remember their names.
Reminding the viewers that Toronto hasn't played a playoff game in 9 years is like telling us the sky is still blue, America has guns and Nazis were bad, bad people. And after that 1st game showing, they still haven't played a playoff game.  Booyah!

Best of 2012, according to me (Retro Post)

This is old. But I wrote it back in December and never published it, so now it's 'retro'.  Give it a pass if you like, no hockey talk here. 

2012 

They made a movie about it once.  #53 in the Cusackathon movie parade.  So, because the title Best of 2012 (according to me) is pretty self-explanatory.

Song - Walk Off The Earth's cover of Goyte's Somebody I Used to Know got to me this year, which is funny that i heard their version before i heard the original version.

Viral Video -  First, i'm not a big viral video guy.  I've never watched Gangham Style, Justin Beiber or Carly Rae Jepsen or anybody lip syncing to their songs on Youtube, although apparently there were millions of people that did.  I don't know how i missed out on these videos.  Maybe it's because in the end; they are all professionally produced music videos.  So woop dee doo, somebody knows how to work some editing software.  As for all the hits these videos are getting?  Call me paranoid but seeing as how these three are all managed by the same guy (Scooter Braun), it's almost like he has some type of program that automatically repeats itself over and over, just because of some great reason that i am sure does not involve a popularity contest. Instead, my choice of viral video goes to;

Ah, Keslerrrr....

The last couple days where I live have been so windy that I must say i was pretty surprised to see this happen right in front of me at the local park;

That's the Canucks Ryan Kesler rolling faster than a flock of baby ducks after another patented Kesler dive from last year's playoffs. Apparently he hit some sort of space/time continuum and a version of him is doomed to do this through eternity; like Don Cherry's suitmaker. 

Man...watching it too much is making me ill.  For the love of God, slow down Ryan!

But then again, it's Ryan Kesler, one of the most sure-footed Canucks on the ice. It would take more than a little gust of wind to knock him off his feet.  Something like... a tornado!