Friday 22 March 2013

Cody and Liev...

So, in other news, one more credit to the pile of things that really have no bearing on real life.

Like Cody Hodgson's new team, the Buffalo Sabres and the recent suspension of Patrick Kaleta for this hit on Brad Richards or 'what happens when a 3rd liner hurts a 1st liner in today's NHL'.

Kaleta's defense was 'his body just did that' and was referred
to as the 'No Push Theory' by Buffalo conspiracy theorists.




You can read about something else other than hockey here.

Or you can think...man, Cody reminds me of someone.

This is Cody who thinks he was
born of normal parents
This is Cody in 20 years after he learns his father
was Stan Smyl







Thursday 21 March 2013

Bizzaro Land quick notes of the NHL

It's hard to keep up with the NHL these days because there is just so much other stuff to read about on the internet and I'm doing okay over at Whatculture.com, who seem to publish anything.  I have yet to come up with a gimmick for an NHL overseas crossover or to kick up the passion ratchet enough to finish off some articles I have in various states of production.

This 1/2 year format due to the lockout is working out wonders for some teams; the benefits of being a strong team in a weak division is helping some, while the benefits of not having to play strong teams on the other side of the continent is helping others. And Martin Brodeur hasn't been playing so that's been inflating a lot of eastern team's stats outside of New Jersey.

here's my plan, Nash - you leave. Then we start winning.
I call it the Mark Messier plan.
Somebody needs to look into what the hell is happening in Columbus, home of Not Rick Nash Anymore.  They've managed a win streak longer than 2 games and haven't lost by over 2 goals since the end of January.  Their current streak involves a lot of overtimes, so not only are their fans see the team win games, they are also getting an extra 5 minutes of playing time and usually a shoot out. Of their last 11 games, 9 have gone into extra time. If this keeps up, I might have to start drafting some Columbus players in my hockey pool.

The weird part is that even with this win streak the Blue Jackets are still only a 500 team.
Bobrovsky's natural at-rest position

Anaheim and Chicago are also on a tear and while it's not necessarily surprising in Chicago, it is when you consider that they have been without Patrick Sharp and Marian Hossa for much of that and they still don't really have a number 1 goaltender.  It's difficult when your back up is Ray Emery who is 11-0 and he still is considered the back up.

Anaheim, I don't know what's going on there as usually all the talk is about their Big 3 contract negotiations with little said about their winning percentage, which is crazy Chicago-esque high.

Sure, Pittsburgh in the East is riding a current 10 game win streak without Malkin but really...it's the east.  Outside of Boston and Marty Brodeur, who hasn't been playing for the last few weeks, it shouldn't be too hard for a team like that to pile up some wins.

The Toronto faithful is starting to man the life-rafts once again as the Maple Leafs are in danger of not ever winning another game ever for the rest of their lives...
ok, i'm done.  



Tuesday 19 March 2013

"What's God?"

Hi baby,

Well, that's a great question.  Really, it is.  It's nice to see you are already taking an interest in such a complicated subject as meta-spiritual deities at only three years old.  Remind me to talk to your Grandpa about age-appropriate discussions.  But let's talks about this after we brush your teeth and after you go put some pajamas on.  I know you don't want to, but we have to keep our pajamas on. Then if we have enough time we can watch some Sports Desk before bedtime.
What? Oh, right. What's God. You sure you just don't want to watch Sports Desk?  You are only three so I don't know if this is really the time to get into this. You sure? Well...ok, I'll try.


The Pope Loved a Good Backhand
God is like bedtime. Everybody has one, right?  But not everybody has the same bedtime, just like not everybody has the same god. It's just not everybody has the same bedtime. Oh. I said that already? It's a complicated subject. Well, God is like bedtime. We all need bedtimes, but we don't all have the same bedtime. It's good to have bedtimes because we know where we should be at certain times, which is sort of like the same thing with God.  God helps you know where we should be on certain issues, like death and instant replays. Bedtime isn't something you can put in your pocket or draw or anything which is just like God, because nobody has really seen God because God is more of a concept, like delayed offsides, icing or a winning Toronto Maple Leaf team. Yeah, it's a concept.  A concept means that it's insubstantial but helps explain things that you can't physically see, like math and Pierre MacGuire.
you had to go there, didn't you, God?

Okay, well you can't see God just like you can't see bedtime but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.  But bedtime, well, that's real, like a good punch in the face. God, well, let's say needs to punch someone in the face. In fact, even when you pray to God to punch someone in the face, just once, it doesn't happen. Instead, you are the one getting punched. And not in the face, in the friggin' ball sack.


Where was I?  Oh yeah, everybody has a bedtime, just like you. Even hockey players.  
God 1- Atheists 0
Is there a God? Well, some people believe there is, which is why their team wins the Stanley Cup and Vancouver Canuck fans riot. No, no honey, I haven't believed in God since 1982. Stan Smyl deserved a Stanley Cup. But sometimes, sometimes i want to believe. Like when Bure delivered that elbow in 94.  For a moment, i believed there was a God and He was a Canuck fan. What's a Canuck fan? Oh, they are like your early bedtimes. You hear about them all the time, but in reality, you don't see them very much. Only when things are going good and Daddy thinks he might score.


No, Daddy hasn't scored in awhile. Yes, it might have something to do with my bedtime. You see, Sportsdesk comes on pretty late sometimes and that's after Mommy's bedtime.  Does Mommy believe in God? You know what, that is something you can ask her tomorrow.  Time for bed, sweetie.  Love you.  

Friday 15 March 2013

Memories from a Saturday Night Hockey Night

Wow, it's been awhile since i've watched some hockey on Saturday night.  I caught 1/2 of the Montreal-Pittsburgh game when it was already 4-2, which in today's NHL is considered a high-scoring game. I figured that was it for scoring but apparently nobody told the goalies that. Montreal scored 2 before the period was out, making it 4-4 by the end of the 2nd period. Hey, a game that involves scoring!

Then Montreal scores to take the lead at the start of the 3rd period and the Montreal drunken faithful start singing that Ole, ole, ole chant with about 15 minutes left in the game which is a) pretty cocky and b) pretty stupid. Sure, maybe if that made it a 3 goal lead but the way these goalies were playing it was pretty premature. Plus, it's Montreal; no game is a sure win for them since 1977.

Sure enough Pittsburgh scores then there are some more goals and then I see...him; WTF! - Thomas Kaberle is playing for Montreal? He's been on more teams in the last three years than Michel Petit. Yeah, I WENT THERE. I thought Kabs retired after he won a Stanley Cup with Boston carrying Zdeno Chara's hockey sticks into the dressing room. Yet, seeing him reminded me of a hockey souvenir shop i went to in Parry Sound, birthplace of Bobby Orr and coincidentally also home of the Bobby Orr Hall of Fame and Museum.

So I'm walking around the small town center and duck into this little curio shop full of sorts of stuff and there, hanging from a rafter are three hockey pictures. There is a framed picture of Bobby, at a cost of $75.  There is also a picture of Mario Lemieux for the same price. Which is fine, both hall-of-famers, both retired. But then, right between these 2 superstars of the game is a picture of Thomas Kaberle as a Toronto Maple Leaf.  For some reason, this picture was, you guessed it: $75.


$75 with frame? Sold!



$75 with frame? Sold!
                                                                                                         
$75 with a free trip to Disneyland? ...uh..
I'll get back to you.













To give you an idea how preposterous this was, here are the three individual stats for these guys:

Thursday 14 March 2013

New York Islanders Rookie Camp Fight


Watch out world; I just learnt how to embed a video directly on the blog. Now i don't have to rely on Big Brother's Youtube with their annoying pre-video advertisements.  So for my 1st post-advertising linked video, I give you this adorable little bit of poor sportsmanship from what must be the New York Islanders family appreciation skate day.  I am guessing that this is a young John Tavares taking on a petulant Matt Moulson over who gets to use the hockey stick first today.  As you can see, a confused Michael Grabner tries to intervene to no avail and then comes the cute chase to see who can get to the team trainer first to declare an upper-body injury.




fer pete's sake, another commercial?  Internet where have you gone wrong???

Tuesday 12 March 2013

Have picture, need story...


There seems to be so much to say about this picture, but then again, maybe not.  The Goalie in question looks like a statue from some mythic hockey/LOTR video game and the camera guy looks like he's about to shoot something out of his mechanical rocket penis gadget thing but is kinda ashamed about it.  
The goalie must be thinking 'what the fuck, dude?' 

It's late, i'm tired...maybe i will write something better later...

Wednesday 6 March 2013

Artists Against Bowling...

So, back to that previous article where i discussed that i was wanting to write about something but had forgotten it....  it finally came to me tonight while lying down for my nap before bedtime.  Only 22 hours after it had originally crossed my mind but finally my brain went 'ahhhh...' and went on holiday, seeing as how it has only had 4 hours sleep in the last 4o.

So, what was missing from my last night recollections. While listening to the radio on the way to work i heard a cover of Cyndi Lauper's True Colours. My first reaction was 'man, that's bad' and then my second was 'i miss Cyndi Lauper. She has a great unique voice and such awesome 80's hair.'  This cover was a duet, with a woman who sounded suspiciously like Sarah McLaughlin and a guy who sounded like nobody I could place. I have no idea who he could have been and still don't.

So the song ends and the announcer describe the song as coming from 'Artists Against Bowling' and at first I thought I must have heard that wrong.  What would Artists have against bowling?  Then, having just taken my 3 year old daughter bowling, i realized it made perfect sense.

I don't even really want to google this to find out if it's not true.  If there is anyplace that music can not be heard as general ambiance, it's in a bowling alley so no wonder musical artists would hate bowling lanes. The loud rumbling of the bowling balls down the lane, the TOCK! of balls rolling back and hitting other balls, the CRASH of balls hitting lanes; it's bedlam on the eardrums. How am i supposed to hear the latest hit single from Pro Tools in all that noise? My daughter, bless her heart, also couldn't take all that aural stimuli and requested to go have a break in the back room three times, where it was so much quieter.

this isn't a picture, this is video...
She would then return and in one momentous roll, captured forever on video, proceeded to Fred Flintstone the slowest bowl ever. I was wanting to place bets if the ball would actually completely stop before getting to the end. I could have gone out for a coffee and came back and the ball still wouldn't have made it to the end. When i finally took out my phone camera and started filming it it took another 30 seconds for it to FINALLLLLLY crawl to the end.  To give you an idea how slow it was going, it actually tapped a pin but failed to knock it over, and bowling pins are notoriously easy to make topple, like a African government with anti-American leanings.

But I digress.. Artists Against Bowling.  Watch for it, support it.  Unless you are a bowler.


addendum...curse you google. Curiosity got the better of me and I had to fact-check, hoping against hope that there were a lot of pissed off anti-bowling musical artists out there. There's not.

Here's the video;


Bullying.  NOT Bowling.  Man, do i feel stupid...sorta, but not really.

Tuesday 5 March 2013

How and How Not to Have a Hockey Fight

First; let's start with these two guys who will go down in history as 'those two guys who had a great fight not-fight'.


One of these guys apparently represents the Cornwall River Kings, which is so close to Corn hole that it's too easy.  I don't know who the other team is.  A google search tells me that they are both tough guys and are playing in the NAHL, which is basically a french (you can tell by their names) semi-pro league (you can tell by the ice).  Plus, NAHL stands for Nord America Hockey League.  Nord is french for North. I think.

So let's see how to have a real hockey fight;


I am sure it's just a coincidence that at the top are two french guys, at the bottom there are two not french guys.  I think Don Cherry is calling me to go out for some pops now.

But in all fairness, it's not just because they are in different leagues.  Here's another classic not-fight between two guys that aren't french.  One of them is actually Irish, which makes this slightly more embarrassing as he went on to become quite the punching bag in later tilts with Mark Messier and Wendell Clark, to name a few.




Rambling thoughts Dad...chuggachuggachugga

So, driving on my way to work tonight and i thought of something profound, which i thought i could write about that tonight.  i can't remember what it is now, so i'm just going to randomly write down my thoughts that i remember to see if it comes to me....

My wife doesn't 'like' a free dining room table and chairs i got, which i find annoying. I don't 'like' the table either, I'm not expecting to go out in public with it or anything. I just expect it to hold my food, which i think it will do a good job at.  Maybe, just maybe, i will put other things on it and i will expect it to just as well.  I don't need to 'like' it; it's a table.

lame and annoying
cool and retro-hip
My wife also doesn't like that i exchanged her large utensil holder for my large utensil holder, which is basically a ketchup can but also came with 2.5 bottles of ketchup. I think it's supercool.  My wife prefers her wirey contraption which is basically a skeleton framed square can which barely holds the utensils in it and probably cost 2x as much. I think most guys would agree that mine is better.  i remember thinking that this may be a good article for dumbwhitehusband.com. She has since tried to put my supercool large utensil holder in the recycling but i rescued it and put it up on a top shelf where she can't reach it because she's short.


I started thinking about the saying 'Study like you've never studied before' which to me is a pretty stupid saying.  Should be something like 'Study like you are super smart' or something would be better. I wondered briefly if i should attempt stand-up comedy but then the light changed and I drove on.

oh yah, there was something about that novel; i needed to write a quick mention of Norman, perhaps in the cafe at the start where the two guys are describing other secret agents that have wandered through town in their various disguises, like a telephone repairman and whatever else spies pretend to be. hey, did i just write a teaser?

i promised that i would go for at least 90 minutes studying tonight, which i did.  yay me.

Some thoughts on the other 'evil' disney villains that are overlooked.  No big thing there.  Yet...I still feel that i am forgetting something...