Thursday 27 February 2014

And now for Something Completely Different...

If you are like me, you are probably sick of reading about hockey. In the end, was it worth Russia spending $111 Billion  to create a place called 'Sochi' just so Canada could lay waste over the hockey landscape once again? Was it worth the $28 million directly spent on sending a bunch of Canadian athletes over to Russia? Or the $20,000/$15000/$10000 financial reward to each athlete that brought home a medal which Air Canada didn't lose on the flight home? For the record, the 25 medals Canada won don't include the 47 individual ones (excluding coaches) awarded to the men's and women's hockey teams for their annihilation of the rest of the world's hockey self-esteem (or any of the other team events for that matter). 

So, rough estimates make that 10 Gold medals (really 55 inc. hockey teams at 20G apiece, 10 silver at $15 G apiece and 5 bronze at $10G apiece.  Who has a calculator?  That's roughly $1,300,000 in reward money. There may have been more 'team' medals but i wouldn't know as i didn't pay attention to any of the other preliminary sports that were mere eye candy while we waited for our hockey teams to destroy Canadian good will.  

Good investment for our tax dollars? That's nearly $30 million directly spent on the 220+ athletes that attended, excluding 'training subsidies' - which is kind of like unemployment insurance but instead of working, you are training in your chosen sport which is why you can't find a job. I'll leave that to your own discussion. For some athletes, it's not about the money (mind you those are the NHL players who make more than $20,000 per game on any given weeknight). And being good ol' Canadian boys, they may just donate it to charity anyways, like this great role model/Olympian/non-stanley cup winner did back in 2010.

So, Let's Move on to Something Different.  Name that Person!


These are people that you know. But you don't know. Maybe you do know them but I don't so I googled them, just in case they are living next to me and I didn't know it. It's like stalking, but not - because I'm just curious a little bit about people who become famous without relying on a huge Public Relations media blitz in order to 'Brand' them to their product. It's not like I'm going to become best friends with them unless they are my neighbour, in which case I most definitely will.

Tuesday 25 February 2014

The Olympics Day-Late Update Team Canada vs. Team Sweden. Someone won.

WORLD'S GOVERNING BODY REFUSES TO ACKNOWLEDGE TEAM CANADA SUPREMACY
(OR)
NEW WORLD ORDER REJECTED. STEVE YZERMAN RESIGNS


The Proposed New "Eh" Team (trademark pending)
The Female version of the "Eh" Team (trademark still pending)
It happened quickly. Minutes after Team Canada defeated Team Sweden for the Olympic Gold medal in hockey (the only sport that actually mattered), the United Nations quickly blocked a motion put forward that Canada be the only nation to resolve world conflicts in the best interest of all. The ramifications were immediate. The Ukraine stopped fighting and arrested their suddenly deposed President. The Egyptian government, put in power after the "not going to call it a coup" military railed against their democratically elected Muslim President also announced it's resignation. In Afghanistan nothing happened at all which was highly unusual, except someone fucked a goat. But nothing highly unusual.

Saturday 22 February 2014

The Olympics Day-Late Update Team Canada vs. Team "America"

TEAM AMERICA PERFORMS SMALL MIRACLE - KEEPS DOUGHTY OFF SCORE SHEET, 
STILL LOSE
(OR)
TEAM CANADA DEFENDS NATIONAL HONOR - AMERICA HAS TO KEEP BIEBER


Highest stakes since 1987
It was labelled as perhaps the biggest rematch in Olympic hockey history in the last four years. Team America, averaging a blistering 5 goals per game in the 1st round of the 2014 Olympics, was out to redeem themselves against their Northern Nemesis, Team Canada. Their last meeting was another scar on the American Winter Olympics psyche, losing a tense, action-packed gold medal game in Vancouver in 2010. The Americans were looking for redemption. Team Canada, averaging a stellar 1 Drew Doughty goal per game in the 1st round, were trying to fulfill every Canadian's wish to keep Justin Bieber in the United States.

The teams circled each other warily for 60+ minutes, with both teams refusing to even enter their respective dressing rooms until the other went first. It was a game heavy on a defense-first and only mentality as both teams used their considerable offensive talent to continually hold the door open for their defensive corps and try to catch up to them when they were in the offensive zone. Both teams worked equally hard at boring the other team and countries enough to force someone to make a mistake. Unfortunately for the fans, with both teams heavy on NHL talent, a boring, repetitive by-the-numbers game was exactly the type of game they watched.

"It was just like the first half of the year," said Cory Perry, "only without the scoring."


Thursday 20 February 2014

The Olympics Day-Late Update Team Canada vs. Team "Latvia"

TEAM CANADA DESTROYS ODDLY FAMILIAR-LOOKING LATVIAN TEAM
(OR)
TEAM CANADA PETITIONS OLYMPICS IN REGARDS TO TED NOLAN'S CITIZENSHIP


Latvia's Near-Victory Parade,
Pictured; Latvian President for Life, Head Marshall and Team Goaltender Kristers Gudlevskis
with a few of his bodyguards
Everywhere a Canadian reporter looked for post-game interviews following Team Latvia's triumph of the will but not scoreboard over Team Canada, losing 2-1, there were familiar faces. Problem was they were all inside the Latvian dressing room. And they weren't Canadian, so the official statement said thereby all interview requests were denied.

"The peculiar similarities between the Latvian team and some of the players we know and play against in the NHL were oddly familiar. I mean the resemblance was uncanny." said Patrick Marleau, "Their number 19? He totally looked like Joe Thornton with his beard shaved off. He even said 'Hi, Pat' to me on a face-off."


Wednesday 19 February 2014

The All-Time Dirty Dozen (Limited Edition)

I finally gave up on this article, after 3 editors, 4  feedback letters and 2 much time spent. I'll put it here for now for your consideration and maybe later submit it somewhere else. If you have an idea of a website that may be interested in this, pls let me know via comments.



machete
20th Century Fox
George Clooney's Monuments Men is set to be released this month, the true-ish story of a pack of maverick renegade loner art curators (5 nouns that never usually go together) on a top secret mission to save historical objects from the Nazis and kill some while they're over there. Barring the art side of things, the story line is reminiscent of The Dirty Dozen. The 1967 ensemble war movie was notable for its multi-ethnic casting of the time, ended the football career of all-star running back Jim Brown and created years extra work for most of it's cast. If you haven't seen it, stop what you are doing and download it now. We'll wait. 
If you decide to forgo the movie, seeing as how you watched Inglourious Basterds and know how World War 2 really ended, some potential SPOILERS ahead.
The original Dirty Dozen were criminals first, soldiers second (Donald Sutherland a distant third). They were all recruited from military death sentences and given a chance to redeem their honor for themselves and America by accepting 'one last mission,' from which they'd never return . But on the plus side, they'd get to kill lots of Nazis. So in honor of the original, this is a list of the all-time Dirty Dozen, America's toughest, meanest military unit never to grace the screen in what would have been the biggest testosterone remake since The Expendables 3 with some notable exceptions.
For instance, Arnold Schwarzenegger was the Terminator and Conan The Barbarian, but he was also in Kindergarten Cop and Jingle All The Way. In later years he became a politician. Sylvester Stallone was Rambo and Rocky, but he once asked Dolph Lundgren to punch him for real in Rocky IV, resulting in him having to go to the hospital for four days as they tried to pull out his rib cage from his spine. So...no. Don't look for them because they aren't on the list. 
 And while there are some current tough guy actors who are continually assaulting people (looking at you, Alec Baldwin), they aren't renowned for playing as such on film, so they're also excluded. Finally, this list is very Hollywood, so no disrespect intended to someone like...say, Bollywood's Amitbah Bachan.
So consider yourself forewarned.

Tuesday 18 February 2014

The Olympics Day-Late Update Team Canada vs. Team Finland

TEAM CANADA PETITIONS TO CHANGE NAME TO DOUGHTY & CO.
(OR)
TEAM CANADA WATCHES DOUGHTY DESTROY WHAT'S LEFT OF TEAM FINLAND

Shouldn't someone go help out Drew?

It was all over as soon as Mike Babcock started lacing up Drew Doughty's skates before the pre-game skate but Olympic rules stated Team Canada still had to go out on the ice and wait for Doughty to decide when it was over. He has become hockey's Chuck Norris.

In what is the biggest story to come out of the Winter Olympics since this story yesterday on the Olympic village, Canada's #1 player hasn't been any of the other 25 NHL All-stars on the team but a defenceman that wasn't even picked to be able to make the Olympic team by one humble blogger with no NHL experience.

Drew Doughty decimated Team Finland, themselves decimated by NHL caliber injuries to NHL'rs Mikko Koivu, Valteri Filppula and Aleksander Barkov. Doughty controlled the puck at will, deciding when he would allow others to have the puck (ie; when he wasn't on the ice) and when he would score. Throughout the game Doughty controlled the play, like Godzilla fighting the Japanese army or Donald Trump deciding which Apprentice is the best ass kisser.

Saturday 15 February 2014

The Olympics Day-Late Update Team Canada vs. Team Austria

TEAM CANADA AVOIDS NAIL-BITER IN NAIL-BITING WIN OVER TEAM AUSTRIA! 

(or)

PANDEMONIUM REIGNS AT JEFF CARTER'S AGENT'S HOUSE!


Team Austria's sweater strategy was interesting, but irrelevant.

The tension was evident on the Team Canada bench as their second game of the Olympics ended with the 26 NHL All-Stars of Canadian descent winning a squeaker against Team Austria, 6-0. The final winner was always in doubt up until the Olympics game schedule was announced months ago and if wasn't for the LA Kings' Jeff Carter scoring a hat-trick, the score would have been probably the same, if not higher, just with other players scoring.

"It wasn't easy," said Cory Perry, "I mean instead of passing the puck to one of us to score, Jeff would just shoot it in himself. That's a lot of pressure on the rest of us now to inflate our stats for our next contract negotiations. Jeff can just sit back and do what he does naturally, sit back."

Friday 14 February 2014

The Olympics Day Late Update - Team Canada vs. Norway

CANADA DESTROYS NORWAY IN OLYMPIC HOCKEY!
(or)
NHL ALL-STARS OBLITERATE MATS ZUCCARELLO AND FRIENDS

Team Canada upon hearing that Team Norway showed up for the game
 The defense of the Olympic gold medal in hockey started yesterday or today (I'm not familiar with the international date line) with Team Canada, perhaps the most dominant team ever, barring your fake EA NHL all-star team, taking on Norway. In a match reminiscent of the German blitzkrieg of Poland (who both coincidentally didn't qualify) the Canadian favourites devastated the self-esteem of the country best known for it's calendar content exports, 3-1.

self-esteem; Still OK.

Thursday 13 February 2014

The Canadian Olympic Hockey Team Roster



I can't even begin to say how many times I have been out and about and heard 'Hey, you're Ogie Oglethorpe, aren't you? What do you think of the Olympic hockey roster?'. 

I find it interesting anyone cares of my opinion on anything hockey-related as I continually finish in last place in any hockey pool I join. Perhaps they want my advice before they go and bet against it. Heck, I probably would too. But in all fairness and critique to my commissioner, dynasty hockey pools suck if you start out losing. 

1st things 1st, I don't care about the Olympics. Not one bit. I'd rather Canada took pride in other, more important things such as leading the world in cancer cures or space exploration or alternative fuel sources or social health or righting economic inequity or the number of rescued dogs and cats than to take pride a Canadian won a medal with a 4 year time limit that states they were Doubles Moguls Half-Pipe Champion or one of the best in 2-man Figure skating, which even I know is 20% skill and 100% politics.  

It's a thing, I saw it on TV so it must be true.
That said, I am Canadian, I am male so I have to have a vested interest in hockey. It's in our Constitution, somewhere near the bottom with an addendum that follows on the back that now includes women's hockey. 

But I need something to write about, so I'm going to go back and review my own predictions for the Men's Hockey Team and see how I did. I wrote about it here, back in August when all of Canada came in from the Lake and watched the roster announcements with bated breath, clutching their Canada flags. These picks were obviously before the TSN/Earth shocking news of Steve Stamkos injury and his super-human attempt to defy the laws of nature and bone structure to return in time for the Olympics. 

So how did I do, Ogie?

Monday 10 February 2014

5 Things Not To Do On A Talk Show (12)

rehash from a previous article. Saved for posterity...


You finally made it to the big leagues for whatever culturally relevant thing you have wanted to bring to the masses, be it your movie, music, love of being nobody relevant; the TV wasteland awaits you. Your publicist has arranged a few choice outings to go and ‘get your name out there’ but did your publicist provide a guideline of what you can and cannot do in front of a television camera? Probably not. Or maybe they did. It depends if your publicist is your mom’s best friend or a professional mover and shaker.

If it’s the former, no worries. WhatCulture has you covered with these 5 basic rules that have been established through time immemorial (so about, 1976) in regards to how you should act when your persona is being beamed out through the cosmos through a magical process that has yet to be scientifically explained or proven but in which we take for granted happens. That is the magic of television; we really have no true idea what is going on, just what it shows us.

Lessons for when you become famous;

Sunday 2 February 2014

8 TV Shows that Should Have Quit While They Were Still Amazing.

Another retro-post placed in my blog for posterity. Ironically, WC has now started offering the equivalent of 70 cents for every 1000 views for new lists. If I only waited a year, this article could have netted me $22.45...however I would lost copyright on it and could never be allowed to publish on my own blog. So, i guess this is $22 well spent. Enjoy, comments always welcome.


WhatCulture has already talked about a few shows that have jumped the shark or should have quit while they were ahead here and here. So consider this an ongoing series of shows that aren’t necessarily shows that should have been cancelled but more shows that became victims of their own success or shortcomings.

The early seasons of these shows are what made them what they are today, which unfortunately is usually just a shallow imitation of their early years. Perhaps you could split these series up like Law & Order; one half is the set up for all that made these shows great, and the second half is the semi-lame reason why some people just consider these shows ‘okay’.

8. Californication


californication

Must watch Seasons 1-4
Or just start watching from Season 5 and pretend you totally get it.

David Duchovny was absolutely born to play the role of Hank Moody, a New York literary libertarian turned Hollywood wannabe screenwriter. The first four seasons are a hilarious X-rated romp through the libido (and liver) of Hank who basically drinks constantly and screws every woman he meets in LA despite trying to win back the love of his soul-mate Karen and their daughter Becky.

The first four seasons of Californication follow a tremendous, well-detailed story arc that starts with Hank bedding the under-aged daughter of his ex-wife’s new fiance and with the threat of this underage rape hanging over his career manages to maintain your interest for four seasons. Helping matters is the intense sexual comedy that Californication provides. The tight cast of Hank, Karen and best friends the Runkels plus an amazing assortment of guest stars such as Callum Keith Rennie as a Phil Spector-like party animal/music producer, Katherine Turner as Runkel’s sexually harrassing boss, Rick Springfield as himself plus some of LA’s best breasts leads to some of the best adult-oriented comedy I’ve seen that doesn’t pander down to the audience’s intelligence. What other show has someone go down on a woman ‘by accident’ or show a threesome with someone (Hank) obviously not really in the moment, not that it matters.

At the end of season four, it ends perfectly; the story arc started in the first episode is finally resolved and all story arcs come to an end in a way befitting the entire series. In Season 4′s final shot  Hank is seen driving off in the sunset in true Hollywood fashion and there could be no better way to end the show.

BUT…

Sadly, most likely due to it’s immense success and the all-important ratings, Californication was brought back to a shadow of it’s previous self, despite having all the main characters again. Season 5 tried to start the series anew, scripting a 3 year absence from LA for Hank Moody who once again comes back and tries to reassert himself into Karen and Becky’s life.
It’s difficult to re-invest in a series that ended so perfectly after Season 4. It’s like your best friend has left you to pursue their life in the big city, leaving you sitting alone at the pub nursing a pint then to discover them 2 months later sitting once again on the barstool beside you. It’s that scene between Matt Damon and Ben Affleck in Good Will Hunting where Ben finally tells Matt that he hopes one day he won’t be there to be picked up to go to his bad job. Hank Moody was/is your best friend who was never going to be the one to stick around and that was okay.