Wednesday 30 April 2014

Ogie's 10 Best Hockey Books cuz CBC's list sux.

While we are waiting for all these Game 7's to finish so all of Canada can rehash all the great moments of the Habs/Bruins rivalry during the glory years of the NHL, CBC online had a refreshing bit on something that wasn't completely CBC-boring. I say this having recently tuned out on a CBC radio story about someone finding their ashtray after 40 years, despite all probability.

Seriously.

Yet, that wasn't the low point of CBC investigative journalism which comes at a time where the CBC recently announced over 600 job cuts, mostly to it's sports programming department. This after the recent loss of it's flagship Hockey Night In Canada to competitor...(honestly don't know, don't really care).

Anyways, the headline is The 10 Hockey Books You Need to Read.

I haven't looked at it yet. I have a pretty good collection of hockey-related books and thought maybe I should pick my own books first then compare it to CBC demi-gods of modern hockey literature. I instinctively know that Ken Dryden's The Game is on there, much as any list-based article about science fiction books must include Slaughterhouse Five. I've read it twice, once because I thought I had to, the second time because I thought I must have missed something. It's good, but it's not OgieOglethorpe good.

So, here's my 10 hockey books you must read because reading is what separates us from Philadelphia Flyer fans (Mark).

Sunday 27 April 2014

6 Famous Bands that were fake


- another repost from the files of Whatculture.  To keep it from fading into obscurity into their backlog of list-based posts or just disappearing if the site closes down (like what happened w/ some of my articles on spooftimes) I've copied my contributions and will release them sporadically while we wait for either the 2nd round of the Stanley Cup playoffs or someone says 'why haven't you published anything on your blog lately?'.



4447

There is something to be said for anonymity. It provides a sense of safety for those that perhaps feel a bit too thin-skinned to take on the responsibility of being more well-known than what they are famous for. In music, a band’s name help create a feeling of teamwork and that everybody is relevant to the whole and helps to keep the lead singer’s egos in check.  For instance, Mick Jagger at one time tried to rebrand the Rolling Stones as “Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones” well after their rise to fame which nearly ended the band for good in the eighties.

The market for new celebrity meat is quick and ever-changing. Last year’s Justin Bieber is this year’s Eminem. Bubble gum bands long ago conquered the true spirit of large radio stations to such a degree that although I have heard of One Direction, I have no idea of any songs that they sing. Plus, I have to acknowledge that for some reason a music director who at one time probably had great taste in music being played over a campus radio frequency has now joined the conspiracy to poop out bubble gum pop crap. I won’t pretend I understand why One Direction has already sold more records than a hundred bands better than them like Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem, a musically gifted bunch of guys that has been around for decades and sold very little records. But back to my main topic around fictional bands…

Thursday 17 April 2014

2104 Hockey Playoffs - The Year of the Duck?

Visual Representation of the Western Conference Playoffs


The Western Conference;

The best way to dissect the Western Conference is to imagine a gathering of high octane muscle cars, the kind that would make Vin Diesel wet his pants in glee. Then imagine all those cars entering a demolition derby, smashing the shit out of each other in an attempt to be the last one standing. Then the winner of which gets to meet Jarome Iginla and the Boston Bruins for the Stanley Cup.

That's what the Western Conference is like; a hockey royal rumble full of talented teams that are Stanley Cup contenders yet due to their location have to eliminate each other to get to the final prize. Half of these first round match ups would have been great Stanley Cup Finals in a perfect world. They are going to be beating the shit out of each other in the first round only to still go at it against two more opponents before they finally get a chance to meet what should be a relatively healthy Eastern opponent.


Wednesday 16 April 2014

2014 Hockey Playoffs - The Year of Iggy

We get it, you're Canadian. You're bummed out because your name is Greg and the Montreal Canadians are the only Canadian team to make the playoffs and you know that you will have to suffer the pain of defeat eventually. You will have to maintain a sliver of hope that the Habs will overcome being the Habs but deep in your heart you know you are destined for heartbreak, as if you were no better than a Canuck fan.

To make matters worse, if the NHL had kept their same format as last year all the other Canadian teams still wouldn't have made the playoffs.

So to everyone besides Greg, let's just forget that we have any type of local geographic or childhood allegiance to our sports teams and let's pick another team to pin all your hopes and dreams on as you avoid all other issues in my life. So for that, let's pick the Boston Bruins, President's Cup winners, all-star and Theon Greyjoy look-a-like Tukka Rask in net and Alberta's other favourite son, Jarome Iginla, on a quest to cap off his career with the Stanley Cup.

One is Lilly Allen's brother, the other is
named Tuukka. 
   
Someone (@ionthesparrow12) has already done a lot of the grunt work for you by making this handy flowchart, making it easier to make that selection;



But Ogie is here to review our 1st round match-ups and boldly predict what everyone else already predicts...

Tuesday 15 April 2014

Handicapping the 2014 NHL Playoff rivalries



The NHL playoffs start on April 15thish. Here is a quick primer for your hockey sports fans on playoff series to watch, why, and chances of it happening which is a complete rehash/update from my same review last year.

The NHL is about to begin its 97th Stanley Cup campaign. It’s 2.5 months of heightened intensity and do-or-die attitudes and for many men it will be their only chance to have their name etched forever on hockey’s holy grail. It’s a dream many have had since they first laced up a pair of skates and have worked on all their lives. It takes 16 games to win the Stanley Cup but only 4 games lost to have that dream crushed. As with all great sporting leagues, there are a few rivalries that all marketing men and homer fans hope for as teams with a history of going head to head in the playoffs bring some of the most exciting hockey that will be witnessed this lock-out shortened year.

Thanks to re-alignment and the creation of a 'wild-card' system that frankly sucks as much as Mark Messier, the best thing to do is just wait until the end of the season at which time TSN will tell you who's in and who's out. Basically the top 3 teams of each new 'divison' make the playoffs but with no idea who they will be playing until the last 4 spaces are decided among the other 16 teams that still have a shot due to the convoluted points system that has been in place since the advent of the OTL point. The only thing we know for sure this year is that if you are cheering for a Canadian team, you won't have to worry about vocal chord damage.

Thanks to the internet and proliferation of free televised sporting events sites, new and old fans from overseas have more opportunity than ever before to watch some of the greatest, high-intensity hockey you will see this year in an ever-evolving game for better or worse.
Here are 6 of the biggest rivalries in the NHL and the chances of us seeing them on the ice this year…


6. Pittsburgh Penguins Vs Philadelphia Flyers AKA The Battle of Penn State.


Philly has some of the most vocal, passionate fans in the league, Pittsburgh is one of the most talented. There are a number of current and future hall-of-famers on this year’s Penguins while the best one can say is that this year’s Philly team has a number of future ex-NHL’rs on theirs.
Yet, when the two teams meet up it makes for some of the most passionate and exciting hockey in the league. They have met 6 times in the playoffs, playing 35 games with the Flyers having the edge 19-16 in wins.

Two years ago, the teams combined for 45 goals and 309 penalty minutes in a spirited 6 game series; that’s an average of just over 7 goals and 50 penalty minutes a game which is 1980′s numbers. Last year, the underdog Flyers surprised the league’s best team 4 games to 2 in the first round of the playoffs. If you want goals, hits, controversy and fans being spit on, Pittsburgh and Philly are an Eastern Conference dream match-up that will be hard to beat.

Chances Of It Happening In 2014 – 25%

Pittsburgh should make short work of the Columbus Blue Jackets who look to continue their streak of never getting past the first round in their existence. Philadelphia has to somehow beat a resurgent Alain Vigneault NY Ranger team that has learned how to have fun again, has a confident sexy goaltender and able back-up in net and a cease-and-desist order against Mark Messier entering the dressing room to remind everyone what he did 20 years ago. Philly will have to rely on Steve Mason in net, who is part of the reason why Columbus has never been in the 2nd round.

Pittsburgh in five, Rangers in six.



5. Montreal Canadiens Vs Boston Bruins


Boston Bruins

These teams have met a record total of 170 times in the post season, with Montreal having the huge edge in games won, 102-68 and series wins 24-9. Their first match up was in 1929, the last one in 2011. There was a period of 18 straight times the Canadiens beat the Bruins in the playoffs, a total spanning 45 years which was finally broken in 1988. Since then the teams have been on much more equal footing play-wise but Boston is considered the more dominant
physical team while Montreal the much more hospitalized team.

For example, to keep things interesting for the doctors, there was this famous donnybrook, then this straight-to-the-hospital hit by the world’s tallest player, Zdeno Chara, and then this incident last year.

And in a classic “I’m screwing your ex-girlfriend’ move, in 2012 the Boston Bruins drafted the younger brother of Montreal Canadiens star defencemen P.K. Subban in the NHL entry league draft, making for future family gatherings at the Subban household somewhat uncomfortable I am sure.

Chances Of It Happening In 2013- 90%

With Montreal and Boston both in the upper half of the current standings, a renewal of the league’s longest rivalry is within possibility and if it happens will be played up more than the next Avengers movie. Both teams do have to beat their first round opponents and survive the inevitable Montreal riot that will follow each series victory (or defeat).

Boston is a Las Vegas favourite, won the President's Trophy this year and are playing for Iggy, which as the playoffs go on will take on Ray Bourque like status, having realized his mistake last year when he signed with the Penguins and not the eventual Stanley Cup runner-ups. Mistake corrected in the off season. Boston still has to get by Detroit, which has a nasty tendency of always being around in April (23rd season in a row).  However, I don't think they will be able to stop the Bruins Fists first, goals second philosophy.

Montreal has a much easier task when they take on the minor league affiliate of the Tampa Bay Lightning. The Lightning do have the world's tallest goaltender in net and Stephen Stamkos shooting the puck every chance he gets but with the sudden drama in the dressing room thanks to Ryan Malone, their will be too much going on behind the scenes to stop the Habs faithful from singing that Ole Ole song every time the Habs grab a lead. It's going to take a Luongo-like collapse of Olympic gold winner Carey Price to stop this train of destiny to Beantown.

Boston in seven
Montreal in four


4. Edmonton Oilers Vs Calgary Flames AKA The Battle of Alberta


Oilers Svensson

During the later eighties, the victor of this series was all but guaranteed to go on and win the Stanley Cup, 7 times in 8 years. Geographically Edmonton and Calgary are a short (for Canada) 4 hour freeway ride from each other which made for plenty of beer-drinking fans making the trek either way to show their support. The Oilers, the undisputed (except by Calgary) team of the eighties were packed with hall of fame talent that were setting records at an amazing pace, the Flames were like the little brother tired of big brother getting all the attention. The Flames only managed to beat the Oilers once in the playoffs back in 1986, thanks to a fortunate (or unfortunate, depending on which team you were rooting for) bounce that thanks to the internet and Flames fans, will never be forgotten.

They met a total of 30 times, with the Oilers coming out on top 19 of those. They haven’t met each other in the playoffs since 1991, when the Oilers once again eliminated the Flames from Stanley Cup contention. The Flames finally returned to the Stanley Cup Finals in 2004 putting the city into such an uproar that their fans created the now legendary Red Mile, a zone of post-game partying of New Orleans Mardi-Gras proportions. They went on to lose to an upstart Southern US expansion team. The following year the Oilers were quick to repeat the same feat, losing to another Southern US expansion team but in the more important category, named their party zone the Blue Mile showing that even in letting down all of Canada, the two still love a good competition.

Chances Of It Happening In 2013 - 0%

Unless there's a tragic double-booking at a golf course in Red Deer, situated as it is right between the two Titanic-esque franchises, the Titanic has a better chance of rising from the ocean floor filled with Water Zombies (has that genre been created yet?) than the league has of seeing these 2 compete, not just this year but even on draft day. Edmonton has a host of young stars with the right chemistry and trade appeal and their greatest moment of the season was either when Ben Scrivens tied a team record for saves in a game or saying goodbye to their veteran leadership.

Calgary has a new poprcorn maker in their dressing room to go with last year's juice blender so they have that going for them. All team members have an open invitation to come back to the Saddledome and watch their team’s all-time leading scorer participate in the playoffs in an effort to instill some motivation over the off season. It also gives Brian Burke a chance to see who he can trade on draft day.


3. New York Rangers Vs New York Islanders Vs New Jersey Devils AKA The Battle Of New York AKA The Hudson River Rivalry


NY Islanders

In this strange hockey love triangle in the heart of the world’s biggest market, these three teams are literally spitting distance from each other yet due to the years of inept performance mostly on the Islanders part, they have never met the Devils in the playoffs. The Rangers have no problem stepping out on their long-time state rivals to make some sweet hockey love with cross-river rivals the New Jersey Devils when it comes time for the playoffs.

The Rangers and the Devils have renewed shenanigans 6 times in the playoffs, with the Rangers coming out on top 16 of the 34 times they have faced off against each other, winning 4 series out of six.

The most memorable moment came in 1994 when NY captain Mark Messier, with his team facing elimination, took time out from apparently dating Madonna to ‘guarantee a victory’ in the upcoming game, which usually means ‘guarantee a loss’. Messier scored all 3 goals that night to defeat the Devils 3-2 and guaranteed himself a place in New York sporting history along the lines of Babe Ruth’s calling-his-shot baseball legend. The Rangers went on to win the series and their first Stanley Cup in 44 years, defeating the Vancouver Canucks in one of the closest Stanley Cup series ever played in modern times, 4 games to 3.

While the last 20 years the focus has been on the much more likely Devils/Rangers match-up the possibility of an Islanders/Rangers playoff match would have NY hockey fans salivating and an ‘all bets are off’ mentality in backing a winner, due to the bragging rights that come with each cross-town victory. Back in the day when the Islanders were considered a powerhouse team, the teams faced off in the playoffs 8 times with the Islanders having a slight edge in wins 20-19.
Another great byproduct of this series would be the re-introduction of some of the most spirited crowd taunts in league history; Ranger fans have their favourite; “Potvin sucks“, a reference to the all-star Islander defenceman Denis Potvin who retired decades ago yet apparently is still popular while Islanders fan have adopted a rendition of ‘The Rangers suck’ to accompany the Chicken Dance Polka. Yes, it sounds lame but one has to admit is pretty funny when you hear it.

Chances Of It Happening In 2013 - 0%

With the Rangers the only one of these teams to make the playoffs this year, the reasoning seems pretty explanatory.
The Devils Martin Brodeur looks to still be going through some Tim Thomas-like retirement nerves by not outright stating he's going to retire, instead planning on testing the free agent market this summer to see who may be interested in a 20+ yr veteran in a position that is overflowing with young talent waiting for 20+ yr veterans to gracefully retire from the league instead of hogging up all the back-up goalie ice time.
Next year, if the Devils can figure out a way to not have the game go into a shoot out, they may have a chance of renewing the Hudson River Rivalry.

The Islanders...sigh...the team held such promise at the start of the year, Moulson, Tavares, Okposo, Nielson all lighting it up; Rick DiPietro finally admitted he was never coming back while Nabokov said he would.  Then the trade of Vanek for Moulson didn't pan out, Tavares was the only Olympian to get a season-ending injury and Boom...back to the bottom, New York.
However, given a decent off-season, a healthy Johnny Tavares and Bettman's odd points system, anything can happen next year.


2. Toronto Maple Leafs Vs Ottawa Senators AKA The Battle of Ontario 


Toronto Maple Leafs

Another all Canadian match-up, these two teams have met 24 times in the playoffs since the year 2000 when they faced off 4 of 5 years, with Toronto coming out on top in 16 of those games, eliminating the Ottawa Senators in every series they met.

The bitterness between the two teams has had some great moments, with Ottawa captain Daniel Alfredson going all Mark Messier and guaranteeing a win in a do-or-die game back in 2004. The Senators won the game but forgot that they still needed to win one more, bowing out in an anticlimatic 4-1 loss in game 7.

Toronto has long been considered the center of the hockey universe by Torontonians but the pecularity of the team having to play in the post-season, something that hasn’t been done in nearly a decade may be too much for their collective head to fathom as they usually reserve the Spring for watching baseball’s Toronto Blue Jays start their yearly fall from playoff contention.

Chances Of It Happening In 2013 - 0%


While it is likely both these teams might make the playoffs in the same year sometime in the future, they have to get there first. Toronto managed to make everyone forget about their historic game 7 collapse in the first round last year by having a historic season-ending collapse which anyone within range of TSN heard about all through the start of April.

And apparently Ottawa has a hockey team. 


1. Vancouver Canucks Vs Chicago Blackhawks AKA TBA


Vancouver Canucks

Although these teams have met relatively few times in their history it has really gathered steam in the last few seasons as most other playoff series in the Western Conference are only a prelude to this match up, much like the Battle of Alberta in the 80′s.

Ironically, Vancouver owes Chicago for it’s wildly popular ’Towel Power’ playoff theme from their first playoff series back in 1982. The scene of Head Coach Roger Nielson holding up a white towel in surrender to the game’s officials has become iconic in NHL playoff lore and Vancouver has been waving that flag ever since, without really understanding the irony. I guess because it’s Vancouver.

Chicago won hard-fought and hair-pulling (literally) series in 2009 and 2010 in 6 games. Vancouver finally beat Chicago in 2011, surviving blowing a 3 game lead to win on an overtime winner in game 7, 4 games to 3.

Adding fuel to this rivalry were some comments made by Chicago’s Dave Bolland on a local radio station a couple years ago regarding the Canucks star twin forwards, Daniel and Henrik Sedin and the city of Vancouver itself;
“[The Sedin twins will] never become ‘Hawks,” Bolland said. “I don’t think we’d let them on our team. That’d probably be one thing. We’d be sure not to let them on our team. And, yeah, they probably still would be sisters. I think they might sleep in, like, bunk beds. The older one has the bottom one, the younger one’s got the top.

“There’s a lot of weirdos [in Vancouver]. You don’t want to be out there too long.”
To be fair, Vancouver does have a lot of weirdos, having lived there myself for five years. With both teams consistently in the top 5 of league standings over the last half-decade, the passion and hatred that fuels this rivalry make it hard to beat.

Chances Of It Happening In 2013 - 0%

There's a theme going on here with the Canucks. And it's Fuck Making History and Let's Keep Making the Same Mistakes but Only Bigger.

Chicago remains a legitimate Stanley Cup contender because their front office doesn't turn to it's fan base when it comes to making team-related decisions. Chicago doesn't blame or fire their all-time winningest coach after they get knocked out of the playoffs by the eventual Stanley Cup Champions. It doesn't turn on it's #1 goaltender or offers him a stupid-long contract that was ridiculous in it's terms and it's length.

There's no reason to expect that at any time in the near future the next series these two meet up in will be anywhere near as exciting as the previous years.

Even the goal song competition is hands-down a Chicago victory as they also chose to stay with what works; Chelsea Dagger by The Fratellis whereas the Canucks went with a Black Eyed Keys song (Gold on the Ceiling) that sounds like it was recorded over a WW 2 London Bombing video by a Grade eighter;





Edit; in researching this post (ok, while grabbing the videos) I was already been subjected to the Mark Messier guarantee which starts '20 years ago I... that I forewarned would happen when discussing the Rangers.  After the mandatory 5 seconds were up and I never found out what he was pitching which should be league maximum in regards to listening to Mark Messier.

Sunday 13 April 2014

Ryan Smyth's Final Goodbye



Nothing more to be said, other than this is also probably the highlight of the Canucks season.

Wednesday 9 April 2014

House of Canuckles

I started working on this awhile ago but seeing as how Mike Gillis has been fired, it seems more relevant today.

TL;DR - I tried to present the Canuck organization is in a classic circular dysfunctional relationship. Gillis hired Tortorella to bring a defensive toughness to a team that relied on offensive skill to win. It was bound to fail as Torts brought a Joe Lunchbox mentality to a Brand built on Star Power. Meanwhile Vigneault's style would work great in NY, as they have the star power to become Brand Power. Watch for the Rangers to go deep in the playoffs now that the players are used to AV's way of doing things, as he brings the 'fun' back in Rangers hockey.  


Once upon a time in a land far to the west, there was a family called the Canuckles.  This is their story.

Theirs was what appeared to be a happy marriage; Mike Gillis, the father figure; aloof and controlling of the bank account. He liked to watch Mad Men and believed in pin-up calendars where the women still covered their private parts. The mother was played by Alain Vigneault, from a foreign land, a touch of exotic to his knowing smirk and winning ways. Together they had 20+ kids; confident, talented, every one of them proud to be in the Canuckle family and they were the pride of the entire neighbourhood. If you were a Canuckle, you were the talk of the town, even if most didn't know exactly which one you were.

I saw the guy on the left at Toys R' Us. Or it could have been the one on the right.

Then something happened. A favourite son was designated. Daddy thought he was the answer to everything and the parents treated him as such and treated him well. He got all the C's; The Family car, the Company Credit Card, the Captaincy. It was all his. And all Daddy Canuckle and the entire neighbourhood asked of him was to stop every motherfucking puck that was motherfucking shot at him. Mother Canuckle knew that a careful balance was needed to keep all of the family happy. Those nice quiet ones that nobody paid attention to, the ones that needed a little attention or would wind up in jail one day, the youngest ones that clamored for Daddy Canuckle's attention. The first round picks playing on the third line.

Tuesday 8 April 2014

Dad Talk; remembering the good moments for the later bad moments.


Parenting sucks. It's all about 'responsibilities', reflecting and encouraging 'good behaviour', finding quality 'babysitters' and 'not getting high and watching Arrested Development in your underwear'.

This was the pinnacle of television comedy

I can't imagine a worst occupation than 'parent' outside of the military, police officer, social worker, any type of government employee, shelf stocker, radio DJ's, banking, professional sports fan/reporter, airline pilot, teacher, computer technician, health professional, farmer, logger, roughneck, security guard, blogger, Wal-mart employee, etc. etc.

Ok, so maybe I believe there actually are a lot of other things that suck other than parenting. Parenting is hard work, definitely. The wages are non-existent and there is no health plan. There are no real 'sick' days. As you build up seniority in being a parent it might get a bit easier but it also gets conversely more difficult as these pooping, non-mobile, eating and grunting mechanisms become pooping, mobile, larger eating and talk-backing individuals with feelings and emotions. They begin to have a social life and may become confused on what the difference is between 'needs' and 'wants', instead of relying on pop culture and what their friends tell them they need instead of their parents' definitions of needs vs wants.

Friday 4 April 2014

Top 20 Simpsons Musical Guest Stars


From the files of 'Wow-some sites accept anything', i got this idea after finding out Simpsons were still on the air after something hit my internet radar about Katy Perry doing a Puppet-oriented version of the Simpsons or something. I wasn't really paying that much attention to it, but it did get me wondering how many other musical guests have lined up to be immortalized on the Simpsons...so this was my top 20. 



The Simpsons U2

It may surprise you to know that as of this writing, The Simpsons are still on the air. It has been on the air longer than most of the internet has been alive. To give you an idea of how long the Simpsons has been around, I’ll state some facts. It has lasted through seven Batman movies, two Persian Gulf Wars, four American Presidents, Monica Lewinsky, and the internet dot-com boom. It was around before cell phones, high speed internet, and Miley Cyrus was even considered as having an option to exist. It outlasted grunge, Robbie Robertson, CSI and the Spice Girls’ ‘Girl Power’ relevance. It made Conan O'Brian. That's how powerful it was.

The Simpsons, primarily due to it’s longevity, has become a cultural historical artifact of sorts, with shows related to current talking points of years past. Most of their current audience base will just as likely never heard of a guest star as have heard of them; that’s how old it’s become. It's like Saturday Night Live, only in cartoon form. It will never be as good as it once was says the previous generation.

Yet The Simpsons continues to comment on the changing social aspects in today’s world with it’s skewered adult-oriented humor through an assortment of great and talented writers that have had to work within the confines of the city of Springfield and it’s inhabitants and never-changing ages. South Park immortalized the influence The Simpsons have in adult-themed cartoons in an appropriately-titled show called ‘The Simpsons Already Did It’ in which a young, abused Butters aka Professor Chaos tries to wreck havoc on South Park through ideas that have already been on The Simpsons. His inability to do something the Simpsons haven’t results in him starting to see South Park as Springfield. It’s a surreal yet nice tribute to cartoondom’s most iconic show.

And to still be going at it for 24 years, you have to have a infinite amount of show ideas and early on Simpsons differentiated themselves by making no question that they were aiming for an adult audience. And how better to do that than to go after the biggest musical icons in the business and ask them to appear (as themselves) in cartoon form. From 50 Cent to Ringo Starr (both not on this list) it has grown as such that to be ‘Simpsonized’ is a bigger testament to your career than buying a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Here are my choices for the top 20 musical acts to achieve the distinction of having visited Springfield.

Tuesday 1 April 2014

Whatever happened to ...

(a) Petr Nedved
(b) Dan Cloutier
(c) Sergio Momesso
(d) Roberto Luongo

Answer; 


it's a monday...