On reaching 730,000 'viewers'

This is the opening sentence which is supposed to hook you and make you read on. It should be click-baity or something. Maybe have 'you won't believe what happens next' as the title.

So I'm going to throw a number at you and you won't believe what happens next.

730,000.

That's how many times my articles on the Internet have been viewed.

At least. Don't know how many were robots or people but even if it was 50-50, that is a pretty impressive number.

My books/short stories have been downloaded by 600 plus people via smashwords or kindle for their ereaders or cell phones. Technology. However, I have to clear a couple thousand ebooks or old-fashioned paper books on Amazon before I'd see a royalty check but I'm not in it for the money, although that would be nice.

After this blog post is published, one of you lucky bastards will be my 40,000th reader to this blog alone.

A Real Letter From An Underemployed Me, 2004

- I found this in the draft folder of an old email account. Its a mass email I sent out to all my old contacts/friends at the time bFB (before Facebook). Some of you who read this may still remember it because I do some name-dropping in it when I was a DGC locations assistant. I find reading it sort of funny if you are into that sort of thing. 

And this was apparently before it was okay to only have 1 space after a period as I'm double-spacing every sentence. 

Thanks, public education. 

Wedding Day Memories

It took nearly 45 years to truly dedicate myself heart and soul to someone, someone I've known for only 8 years but hasn't aged a day in her spirit. Someone who has shown me that I am more than what I believed, someone who has chosen to believe in me and our future together. It's been a hard yet fun road to this point with her and near every day I should remind myself this is real.

We have our fights but they don't change how we feel about each other. One bad sentence in a story won't change the ending. Jaime chose me to start a family, I chose her to raise one with me. As I watch my beautiful daughter and my two sons, all with such large personalities I am forever grateful I have her to share these memories with me.

Sure, we made some mistakes in the planning, nothing was as simple as we hoped but yet it nothing mattered to us. No ice for the beer? My bad, but no longer my problem. It's starting to rain? No problem. You can't find our kids? Not our problem. We didn't write out our thank you list? Oops, our bad. We meant no offense if we forgot anyone. No coffee for the morning after? Shit - we'll run down to the store to grab some 7 AM Sunday morning.


Personally, I felt I wrote a killer speech, thanking a lot of individuals for helping me make it to this day. I am sort of glad I didn't have it - I doubt I could have gotten past the first two people before my voice would break up and everyone would be staring at me as I'm losing my shit, crying like a baby. Someone once said it is only okay for a man to cry if he lost the big game or if his dog dies. I think publicly thanking his friends should be up there too. But I did get to thank a lot of people individually. Some left before I got to them and that sucked. Some I didn't get to thank until the next morning. But I was able to thank them for not only being part of our day, but also being part of my life. For so many to come so far and I only a spent a few quality minutes with them, it made me realize again why I have always considered them my closest friends, even if I hadn't seen them for years.

So life will move on. It is hard to believe it has nearly been a week already but things are just starting to get back to normal. Everyone has left, we've gone back to school shopping and barring a few wedding decorations needing a home, it is almost as if last week was a dream.

A crazy, beautiful dream. Thank you for being a part of it. Thank you to Jaime Royston, love of my life, even if it took a few years.

 

Work in Progress - Stephen Spielberg Vs. The Academy V1

For the interested, and on some days readers are more interested in my blog than others - this is an ongoing article on how I write a blog. This is after I have an idea but before I hit 'publish' on the sidebar. 

Writing is an interesting craft. I can't think of any other form where you spend hours/weeks/years building something (your story) then when you are done you think 'Fuck, this is awesome' and rush out to try to convince everyone to read it immediately. 

Then when you look at it six months later you wonder what the hell you were thinking. It's crap. You spelled something wrong, your main character would never walk with a limp or wear a Metallica T-shirt.

So that's why I draft. Then I wait. Then I go through it again. Other artists probably just start over. I've never heard of a painting reclaimed by an artist because it was missing a tree or something, or a music album recalled because one song really sucked and the songwriter wanted to change a word or verse.

I am probably oversimplifying. I don't know other artists or writers methods. I just know what I feel I am supposed to do. 

So here is the first draft of my idea for an article that looks at the Biggest Player in Hollywood (Steven Spielberg) and his fight to be recognized as a 'serious' auteur by the Motion Picture Academy which annually presents the Oscars with much pomp and publicity. 

For the Casual Gentleman Adventurer

Brexit - Democracy at work. Sorry about that.

Apparently something happened last week in Britain that shook the foundations of mass media and the stock exchange. Pundits are still recovering and trying to figure out if we are facing a business Apocalypse and what this means for Donald Trump's Presidential bid.

They held a referendum on their participation in the European Union, a conglomeration of countries that provide business incentives for companies to do business between countries among other things. The Leave Campaign wasn't considered a serious option, much like the Quebec referendum wasn't considered a real possibility until the final days when polls kept citing it as being too close to call (it ended in a 51-49% split on Quebec staying in Canada. Next thing you know, The Quebec Nordiques left for Colorado where they became the last Canadian team to win the Stanley Cup).

The NHL Free Agent Frenzy Winners and Losers

Crib Notes from Day One of the 2016 Free Agent Frenzy

I might explore earlier free agent signings before July 1st on another day but let's just start with what's in the news today. Back-up goalies! Long-term contracts! Lotsa Money!

Who needs a back-up goalie? Apparently seven teams.

Captains on the Move? Hall, Backes, Ladd, Eric Staal, I appreciate Hall's 'Good Soldier' quote and I predict better things for him in New Jersey, like winning.

Who needs a long-term contract? 8 players apparently want that stability of the long-term deal, no matter which team it is.

Who got the best deal? - I think Dallas grabbing Dan Hamhuis for an already deep defensive corps and powerful offense is a steal. Surprised/not surprised Vancouver let the home town boy go.

Who took the biggest chance? Undoubtedly the Montreal Canadians. PK Subban gone, Price still yet to show he's game-ready then they go and pay $5 million for most likely a one and done Radulov season.

Marc Bergevin?

Business Insider Does Cult Films; a Review

spoiler alert - there are only 3 movies from this mural on the list...

It's a sad day when I click on a link to Business Insider where they have a breakdown of box office bombs that went on to become cult movies because, you know, nothing screams out cult movies like a list in Business Insider.

Am I bitter? Maybe. Maybe just more annoyed. I used to do a few lists once or twice. Then I realized there was no reason why my list is better than say, yours or your mom's (other than my own sense of humour embedded in the list reasoning). But I read this list anyways and thought to myself; if everyone knows these are cult movies, are they still cult movies? Is Mormonism still a cult because it's a weird offshoot of another bigger religion that is followed by a certain type of people who get along great with each other but have trouble relating to the rest of the world? Doesn't that also describe people who watch cult movies?

So I went through the list and I'll give you a list of the list. These were movies that did relatively poor at the box office but found life afterwards in either DVD, VHS or TV. The definition of a cult movie by the writer is pretty all encompassing, so I'm going to score the writer's idea of a cult movie with mine.

YOGA Cuz I'm Man Enough. Day 9

I might not be man enough...

I did Day 9. I complained. I am not having fun, no matter how much the youtube teacher is telling me to. My back continues to hurt. My wife says that's good. I say that's not good. She suggests maybe I should do back YOGA. I agree. I say I will look into it. Instead I played Borderlands 2 for 2 hours...

So I missed Day 10, although it was called '10 Minute Yoga'. Now I'm at work, and unlike last week, I'm most likely not going to do it at here. Instead I am going to work on the sequel to my novel, EaFoM 2, thinking a post-publication name change is in order.

Tomorrow Day 10...

YOGA Cuz I'm Man Enough Day 7 and 8

When I last blogged, I had done 16 minutes of Ab-related YOGA which was neither fun nor relaxing. In fact, it felt suspiciously like exercising.

Then I did Day 7 and it went back to the more normal YOGA. Despite my video teacher's encouragement, I am still having trouble making it 'fun' and learning what she means by 'raising my heart' as it's anatomically impossible to actually raise a heart from its permanent place in your chest cavity.

Then I said 'Fuck it, it's Sunday and I'm not doing YOGA so we watched Derailed instead, an early 2000's movie starring Clive Owen and Jennifer Aniston. It was okay, the story of a husband who tries to have an affair with Jen but winds up getting blackmailed by a mugger to the tune of $100,000+ who threatens to tell his wife about catching him (just about) doing the naughty with Jen.
To make Clive seem like an even bigger jerk, his daughter has medical problems to choosing between paying off the extortionist or telling his wife and not risk his daughter dying, I'd go Plan B. I mean, he could just say the guy was full of shit about him having an affair as there's no proof of anything going on.

"Hey honey, remember that douche bag who mugged me and gave me a broken nose?"
"Yes dear. I'm glad you cancelled your credit cards so we can continue to buy Baby her special medication."
"Yeah well, the douche bag called my cell and said if I don't pay him $20,000 he's going to tell you I was having an affair on you."
"That bastard."
"I know, right?"

But that would make for a lot shorter movie. Plus, and not spoiling something too much here but there's another guy that gets set up and killed but nobody seems to care about his wife. The least Clive could do was send her a message letting her know her husband isn't as big a jerk as she might think.

Anyways, Monday was back to YOGAing. Day 8.

It still sucks because it was all about sitting cross-legged and touching your chin to the floor which I can't do - Never have and never will. A lot of the other stretches just reminded me of the calisthenics we used to do before football practice, only we weren't being softly told to be all 'at peace with ourselves' and 'make it fun' and 'lift your heart' while we were doing it.

After I confessed to my wife that I totally understand why 'Real Men' don't do YOGA. I'm not Ron Swanson, but I'm kind of feeling like him...

 

I wasn't Man Enough... or was I? Yoga Day 6

Day 6 or nope nope nope.

I'm writing this from work, late on a Friday night. There weren't enough hours in the day to YOGA today. I worked night shift last night and then only slept for four hours before waking up for when my daughter got home from school. In hindsight, I should have done YOGA after I woke but I've been doing this with my partner so didn't feel right going on without her. And by the time hallway was painted, dinner was made, kids and dog were taken out for a walk and put to bed, it was 9pm. Having to go back to work at 10, I opted for a 1 hour nap, promising myself (and her) I would do 2 days of YOGA tomorrow.

You know... to make it fun.

Down like a downward dog...

but then...

I realized hey, this computer has Internet. I could still do Day 6, just without my partner. Who cares if it is 1 AM? So I DID YOGA!

And now, I'm glad I wasn't with my partner. It was 'Abs Yoga' which is nowhere easy as the last 5 days. I was frustrated, barely able to do the YOGA things. I know she could do it and although I hate to admit it, I hate to have her watch me fail. And all I had to do for Day 6 was basically keep my legs up in the air for 15 minutes. Of course, I didn't know that going in.
It was impossible. Today was the day I had to take lots of rests - I don't have Abs, I can't lift my legs up 90 degrees, much less bring my knees to my chest. So I went until I hurt, then I went 'ARGGGG' and put my legs down and rested, telling myself not to quit, it's only 15 minutes...

So I did it. No downward dog, no cobra or volcano - just a bunch of variations of leg raises.

It sucked. But I did it.

Tomorrow Day 7...

Cuz I'm Man Enough YOGA Day 5

This video instructor said 'make it fun' so many times today I wanted to punch them in their video face. Saving grace is the videos have become increasingly shorter from 32 minutes in Day 1 to only 16 minutes today. By the end of Day 30, it should be down to twenty seconds. Here's hoping...

Cuz I'm Man Enough: YOGA Camp Day 4

Two things, as once again I barely found the time and fortitude to continue with this experiment - I nearly had an epiphany as I was taking out the garbage just before going back in to start YOGAing - it had something to do with the idea that for 20-30 minutes as I YOGA there is nothing else I am doing which, considering my life the last little while has been so hectic, is kind of a nice thing.

Then I thought if only there was some Men's Only Gym I could go and do a YOGA class with just other guys where I don't have to consider doing the 'hold the baby' pose or feel my nuts cram into my belly button. I bet anything that class would be awesome - but probably because none of us would be doing actual YOGA but more likely playing blackjack and talking about truck tires and lying about how many women we slept with or something.

Then the other, more depressing thing is my Inner Critic came out and started thinking about making some type of odds about if I would get to 30 days. I started doing MATH which is not my strength and all I know is that I am not yet 1/4 of the way done. I'm not even 1/2 way to 1/2 way done which if I remember right is also another way to say 1/4. I'm not 1/3 done. I'm not 1/5th done and after that, well, it's too depressing to think about. So I'm not going to.

I did my YOGA today. I didn't question when the instructor said 'breathe into your lower back' as I figure I would just keep breathing my normal way until I get this epiphany thing down pay. Right now, all I am feeling is upper back pain, between the shoulder blades but my wife says that is normal because my body is readjusting itself.

Ohhh-kayy..

Anyways, to Day 5.

Yoga. Cuz I'm Man Enough Day 3

I admit, I was already composing tonight's post, which was explaining why I didn't YOGA today. I had it down pat - worked all day, school called to say my daughter fell off the playground and bumped her head, get Nana to come do some emergency nana-sitting while I went back into town, bought dinner to BBQ when I get home, feed Nana, grampa, and the family, go to Firehall for an early training course then home and to bed. How could I possibly fit YOGA into that packed schedule?

By the trainer ending class a half-hour early... damn. So I made it home by 930 where wife was ready with YOGA mats and Day 3.

I accomplished most of today, noticing more of the absurd terms that come up in YOGA to describe things that don't need to sound absurd. "Notice your breath". Go to Mountain Pose (stand up straight). Volcano Pose (hands over your head). I did well, only failing to even try the physically impossible for male 'hold the baby' pose, which is nothing like it sounds.

Not a YOGA Pose, unfortunately

 And to the delight of my wife, I only farted once - I knew it was going to happen eventually. You can only squish your abdomen up so much until some air is bound to escape out one way or another.  

Day 3 down, still no epiphanies. Except for the hold the baby thing but I don't think that counts.

You're joking, right? says every Man everywhere...

Yoga. Cuz I'm Man Enough Day 2

On a scale of 10 of how much I wanted to YOGA today, I'd give it a zero point five. And that point five is only because I'd feel like complete shit if I didn't get past Day One of this 30 Day Challenge.

Mostly this is because we've been spending all day painting the play room. And other than a quick run to Home Depot to buy 1 more quart of paint because we were pretty sure another gallon was too much and we still need one more quart so we didn't finish and it's still a mess down there with a lot of overflow toys, shelves and now a pink pop-up tent castle taking up the living room aka YOGA Central.

But I did it. I completed Day 2. As big events go, this is like finding the buffet table at the Meet and Greet for Survivor so nothing to get excited about. But by the time we got the kids to bed it was 8pm. A fact I didn't point out yesterday that it's awful hard to YOGA when the kids are watching and wondering what the hell you are doing. So as I tried to follow along with my TV teacher, the only thing that seemed evident was I need to get the TV down to eye level. The crink in my neck isn't helping my YOGA chi or whatever it's called.

So Day 2 done. Do I feel any different or better? No. Like I told my wife, the way people talk about YOGA-ing, I'm expecting this great epiphany to happen or at the very least a full body orgasm. All I have after two days is a sore neck (from trying to see the TV) and a sore right shoulder (which I'd say is more to the full day of painting). Did the YOGA take the pain away? Do I feel more at one with the universe? No and no.

And the only move I know is Downward Dog and now something called a baby cobra which is basically lying on my stomach with my head up. And then we ended it with another lie down for a minute to 'get our breath back' or something which wasn't too hard for me as I wasn't breathing hard.

YOGA is weird.

Yoga. Cuz i'm Man Enough.

It's been a long time since I've posted anything so let's get right to it. I'm out of shape... well, not really out of shape, I'm a volunteer firefighter and every year we have to do a fit test to make sure we won't collapse on site from a massive heart attack. It's roughly 3-5 minutes of heavy exertion and then we are done until the following year. And not to humble brag but since I've started I have cut down my time by nearly 1 minute.

So, I'm not weak out-of-shape, more body out-of-shape. From the front there's nothing surprising. Basic rectangle torso, 2 arms, 2 legs, 2 chins. I feel pretty good with myself if I am talking to you straight on. Shoulders are wide, most likely a benefit from playing hockey and football in my teenage years.

But when I turn for the side profile, still rectangle. And not the skinny rectangle type. Like the square rectangle type, like a 20 story office building type. That's where my issues come in. I'm not 'barrel-chested' nor 'beer bellied'. I'm stocky but the stocky is starting to slip a bit, the belly is starting to hang over the belt, if you know what I mean. There's a overhang forming on the bottom floors of the office building. I know it, my wife knows it but you know... politeness. She's here to encourage me and remind me to drink some water now and then but I have to be careful with this - if I show too much interest in getting in shape, she will say we should go out for some real physical exercise, like jogging.

Men, take note - if you are dating someone and they want to do some exercise with you, make sure you can at least keep pace before committing. I dated one girl, she wanted to play tennis. No problem, just a lot of lateral movement, short bursts of energy, it was fine. Golfing? Again, no problem. Run up University Hill? Sure, if she can do it, why couldn't I? Well, University Hill is about 3 kms long and a decent 40 degree ascent. I couldn't do it. I knew I was in trouble after the 3rd streetlight, stopped after the 5th. There's probably about 15 streetlights. She kept going and I said I'd catch up. I didn't. She ran and ran and ran - turns out she's not only good at tennis and golf, she also runs marathons. i walked to the top and waited for her. Turns out she ran another 5 kms before turning around to find me waiting for her. She dumped me shortly after.

So when my future wife invited me to run with her, I made a stipulation - it had to be on a track, preferably one that went in a circle. I also asked her how many laps we were doing (3). I could do that. And I did. I also went for a short run the day before AND I remembered to stretch. And like I said, she's now my future wife and I want to get my body mostly back to where it was before the kids and the leftovers started piling up.    

So with that in mind, I'm trying to make the commitment to once again, change this shape a little bit. But not too fast - that way has never helped me. I go for a week or two, then forget about it. I lead a rough, non-routine lifestyle, 3 graveyard shifts, 2 kids that can't take care of themselves yet, a loving wife who likes to snuggle, a day job, a dream job, and the fire hall. It doesn't leave me much time to myself but here it is, I'm going to do a Yoga 30 Day Challenge.

Now, just so I remember where my head is at - I hear yoga, I think women wearing tight pants. Basic man thoughts. There might be one or two douchey guys in the class. It's a white person's version of Tai Chi. I understand that it helps align the spine and such, perhaps align my 'cosmic chi' so I feel more refreshed to go onto other, bigger things, like sit-ups or jogging.

I'm not going to class - I'm just youtubing it in my front room. I don't have the time/resources to dedicate to a class time - it's going to have to be when I can carve it out of the day.

I've just did Day One. All I could think of when I'm copying the lady is that this was sort of like doing warm-up stretches before football practice. But where back in the day, we would 'push' each other by yelling, she just talks about breathing and stuff. It was kind of annoying. It went for 30 minutes, I may have been annoyed because I had an audience watching which interrupted by Zen.

I'm not refreshed or had an epiphany or anything of the sort. But I've started and can commence countdown. Day 2 or Day 29, depending on whether you like to count up or down.

And oh yeah, as I wrote this I had a bowl of Chicago Mix because I haven't eaten since breakfast.

An Oldie but a Goodie

Why Morgan Freeman and his CV deserve your respect

There is a bit of a controversy going on in America (where else?) that besides the Obamacare controversy, Obama gun control controversy, Obama is black controversy, North Korea controversy, the Iraq invasion controversy, Lincoln didn’t win the Oscar controversy, music/video pirating controversy, the immigrant controversy, bank bail out controversy, drone controversy, oil pipeline controversy, Ray-J controversy, baseball doping controversy, legalized marijuana controversy and FBI spying on the internet controversy some people still have the energy to be indignant at Morgan Freeman’s AMA (Ask Me Anything) interview on Reddit recently, claiming that it seems the interview itself was a hoax and that was not the 70 year old award-winning actor but some PR shill pretending to be Morgan Freeman.

The End of the NHL As We Know It (for 2016)

The End of the NHL as We Know It in Canada

oops...

It's been awhile since I've had any thoughts about the NHL, which is probably true for most Canadians these days. For the first time in most of our lives, not one Canadian-based NHL team will be in the playoffs. Which once again make Hockey Night in Canada just sad, like every intermission show on that Holodeck I've watched since Rogers took over.

No Canadian teams in the playoffs is just one more scar on our national psyche in regards to believing we are God's gift to Hockey. This hasn't happened since 1970, when apparently there were still only 2 Canadian teams in the league - the original six, Montreal and Toronto. As a fun side note, this year is also the first year where Canadian players make up LESS than 50% of the NHL player's association. AND the number 1 pick is probably going to be some kid from ARIZONA playing in SWITZERLAND whose favourite team was the Phoenix Coyotes. WTF!!

But what does this truly mean? Well, for one thing it means my hockey knowledge is nearly as embarrassing as my hockey pool finishes; I'm near dead last in all five of them, barring an exceptional late season surge in my local newspaper which thankfully means I will finish in the top 300 (mainly thanks to Sidney Crosby and Ryan Getzalf's late season return to forms). But my prediction of a huge follow up season for the Triplet Line and the rest of the Tampa Bay Lightning fell as flat as Carey Price's Montreal Canadians after November.

So, let's see what I think happened to Canada's teams starting with Montreal;

ME ON SPRING BREAK WITH MY KIDS

The Saga of John Scott, NHL All-Star

John Scott. Most everyone not associated with the NHL PR machine have no idea who he is. A lot of people in the NHL probably don't know who he is. Except Phil Kessel. Simply put, John Scott is one of the last of a special breed of hockey player. He's a pugilist, an enforcer, an intimidater, a goon. No matter how you put it, out of all the teams he has played for (9 and counting) he has never been hired to put the puck in the net. He's been hired to serve and protect, old school.