Tuesday 31 May 2016

YOGA Cuz I'm Man Enough Day 7 and 8


When I last blogged, I had done 16 minutes of Ab-related YOGA which was neither fun nor relaxing. In fact, it felt suspiciously like exercising.

Then I did Day 7 and it went back to the more normal YOGA. Despite my video teacher's encouragement, I am still having trouble making it 'fun' and learning what she means by 'raising my heart' as it's anatomically impossible to actually raise a heart from its permanent place in your chest cavity.

Then I said 'Fuck it, it's Sunday and I'm not doing YOGA so we watched Derailed instead, an early 2000's movie starring Clive Owen and Jennifer Aniston. It was okay, the story of a husband who tries to have an affair with Jen but winds up getting blackmailed by a mugger to the tune of $100,000+ who threatens to tell his wife about catching him (just about) doing the naughty with Jen.
To make Clive seem like an even bigger jerk, his daughter has medical problems to choosing between paying off the extortionist or telling his wife and not risk his daughter dying, I'd go Plan B. I mean, he could just say the guy was full of shit about him having an affair as there's no proof of anything going on.

"Hey honey, remember that douche bag who mugged me and gave me a broken nose?"
"Yes dear. I'm glad you cancelled your credit cards so we can continue to buy Baby her special medication."
"Yeah well, the douche bag called my cell and said if I don't pay him $20,000 he's going to tell you I was having an affair on you."
"That bastard."
"I know, right?"

But that would make for a lot shorter movie. Plus, and not spoiling something too much here but there's another guy that gets set up and killed but nobody seems to care about his wife. The least Clive could do was send her a message letting her know her husband isn't as big a jerk as she might think.

Anyways, Monday was back to YOGAing. Day 8.

It still sucks because it was all about sitting cross-legged and touching your chin to the floor which I can't do - Never have and never will. A lot of the other stretches just reminded me of the calisthenics we used to do before football practice, only we weren't being softly told to be all 'at peace with ourselves' and 'make it fun' and 'lift your heart' while we were doing it.

After I confessed to my wife that I totally understand why 'Real Men' don't do YOGA. I'm not Ron Swanson, but I'm kind of feeling like him...

 




Saturday 28 May 2016

I wasn't Man Enough... or was I? Yoga Day 6

Day 6 or nope nope nope.

I'm writing this from work, late on a Friday night. There weren't enough hours in the day to YOGA today. I worked night shift last night and then only slept for four hours before waking up for when my daughter got home from school. In hindsight, I should have done YOGA after I woke but I've been doing this with my partner so didn't feel right going on without her. And by the time hallway was painted, dinner was made, kids and dog were taken out for a walk and put to bed, it was 9pm. Having to go back to work at 10, I opted for a 1 hour nap, promising myself (and her) I would do 2 days of YOGA tomorrow.

You know... to make it fun.

Down like a downward dog...

but then...

I realized hey, this computer has Internet. I could still do Day 6, just without my partner. Who cares if it is 1 AM? So I DID YOGA!

And now, I'm glad I wasn't with my partner. It was 'Abs Yoga' which is nowhere easy as the last 5 days. I was frustrated, barely able to do the YOGA things. I know she could do it and although I hate to admit it, I hate to have her watch me fail. And all I had to do for Day 6 was basically keep my legs up in the air for 15 minutes. Of course, I didn't know that going in.
It was impossible. Today was the day I had to take lots of rests - I don't have Abs, I can't lift my legs up 90 degrees, much less bring my knees to my chest. So I went until I hurt, then I went 'ARGGGG' and put my legs down and rested, telling myself not to quit, it's only 15 minutes...

So I did it. No downward dog, no cobra or volcano - just a bunch of variations of leg raises.

It sucked. But I did it.

Tomorrow Day 7...


Thursday 26 May 2016

Cuz I'm Man Enough YOGA Day 5


This video instructor said 'make it fun' so many times today I wanted to punch them in their video face. Saving grace is the videos have become increasingly shorter from 32 minutes in Day 1 to only 16 minutes today. By the end of Day 30, it should be down to twenty seconds. Here's hoping...



Wednesday 25 May 2016

Cuz I'm Man Enough: YOGA Camp Day 4



Two things, as once again I barely found the time and fortitude to continue with this experiment - I nearly had an epiphany as I was taking out the garbage just before going back in to start YOGAing - it had something to do with the idea that for 20-30 minutes as I YOGA there is nothing else I am doing which, considering my life the last little while has been so hectic, is kind of a nice thing.

Then I thought if only there was some Men's Only Gym I could go and do a YOGA class with just other guys where I don't have to consider doing the 'hold the baby' pose or feel my nuts cram into my belly button. I bet anything that class would be awesome - but probably because none of us would be doing actual YOGA but more likely playing blackjack and talking about truck tires and lying about how many women we slept with or something.

Then the other, more depressing thing is my Inner Critic came out and started thinking about making some type of odds about if I would get to 30 days. I started doing MATH which is not my strength and all I know is that I am not yet 1/4 of the way done. I'm not even 1/2 way to 1/2 way done which if I remember right is also another way to say 1/4. I'm not 1/3 done. I'm not 1/5th done and after that, well, it's too depressing to think about. So I'm not going to.

I did my YOGA today. I didn't question when the instructor said 'breathe into your lower back' as I figure I would just keep breathing my normal way until I get this epiphany thing down pay. Right now, all I am feeling is upper back pain, between the shoulder blades but my wife says that is normal because my body is readjusting itself.

Ohhh-kayy..

Anyways, to Day 5.

Tuesday 24 May 2016

Yoga. Cuz I'm Man Enough Day 3


I admit, I was already composing tonight's post, which was explaining why I didn't YOGA today. I had it down pat - worked all day, school called to say my daughter fell off the playground and bumped her head, get Nana to come do some emergency nana-sitting while I went back into town, bought dinner to BBQ when I get home, feed Nana, grampa, and the family, go to Firehall for an early training course then home and to bed. How could I possibly fit YOGA into that packed schedule?

By the trainer ending class a half-hour early... damn. So I made it home by 930 where wife was ready with YOGA mats and Day 3.

I accomplished most of today, noticing more of the absurd terms that come up in YOGA to describe things that don't need to sound absurd. "Notice your breath". Go to Mountain Pose (stand up straight). Volcano Pose (hands over your head). I did well, only failing to even try the physically impossible for male 'hold the baby' pose, which is nothing like it sounds.

Not a YOGA Pose, unfortunately
 And to the delight of my wife, I only farted once - I knew it was going to happen eventually. You can only squish your abdomen up so much until some air is bound to escape out one way or another.  

Day 3 down, still no epiphanies. Except for the hold the baby thing but I don't think that counts.

You're joking, right? says every Man everywhere...



Monday 23 May 2016

Yoga. Cuz I'm Man Enough Day 2


On a scale of 10 of how much I wanted to YOGA today, I'd give it a zero point five. And that point five is only because I'd feel like complete shit if I didn't get past Day One of this 30 Day Challenge.

Mostly this is because we've been spending all day painting the play room. And other than a quick run to Home Depot to buy 1 more quart of paint because we were pretty sure another gallon was too much and we still need one more quart so we didn't finish and it's still a mess down there with a lot of overflow toys, shelves and now a pink pop-up tent castle taking up the living room aka YOGA Central.

But I did it. I completed Day 2. As big events go, this is like finding the buffet table at the Meet and Greet for Survivor so nothing to get excited about. But by the time we got the kids to bed it was 8pm. A fact I didn't point out yesterday that it's awful hard to YOGA when the kids are watching and wondering what the hell you are doing. So as I tried to follow along with my TV teacher, the only thing that seemed evident was I need to get the TV down to eye level. The crink in my neck isn't helping my YOGA chi or whatever it's called.

So Day 2 done. Do I feel any different or better? No. Like I told my wife, the way people talk about YOGA-ing, I'm expecting this great epiphany to happen or at the very least a full body orgasm. All I have after two days is a sore neck (from trying to see the TV) and a sore right shoulder (which I'd say is more to the full day of painting). Did the YOGA take the pain away? Do I feel more at one with the universe? No and no.

And the only move I know is Downward Dog and now something called a baby cobra which is basically lying on my stomach with my head up. And then we ended it with another lie down for a minute to 'get our breath back' or something which wasn't too hard for me as I wasn't breathing hard.

YOGA is weird.

Sunday 22 May 2016

Yoga. Cuz i'm Man Enough.



It's been a long time since I've posted anything so let's get right to it. I'm out of shape... well, not really out of shape, I'm a volunteer firefighter and every year we have to do a fit test to make sure we won't collapse on site from a massive heart attack. It's roughly 3-5 minutes of heavy exertion and then we are done until the following year. And not to humble brag but since I've started I have cut down my time by nearly 1 minute.

So, I'm not weak out-of-shape, more body out-of-shape. From the front there's nothing surprising. Basic rectangle torso, 2 arms, 2 legs, 2 chins. I feel pretty good with myself if I am talking to you straight on. Shoulders are wide, most likely a benefit from playing hockey and football in my teenage years.

But when I turn for the side profile, still rectangle. And not the skinny rectangle type. Like the square rectangle type, like a 20 story office building type. That's where my issues come in. I'm not 'barrel-chested' nor 'beer bellied'. I'm stocky but the stocky is starting to slip a bit, the belly is starting to hang over the belt, if you know what I mean. There's a overhang forming on the bottom floors of the office building. I know it, my wife knows it but you know... politeness. She's here to encourage me and remind me to drink some water now and then but I have to be careful with this - if I show too much interest in getting in shape, she will say we should go out for some real physical exercise, like jogging.

Men, take note - if you are dating someone and they want to do some exercise with you, make sure you can at least keep pace before committing. I dated one girl, she wanted to play tennis. No problem, just a lot of lateral movement, short bursts of energy, it was fine. Golfing? Again, no problem. Run up University Hill? Sure, if she can do it, why couldn't I? Well, University Hill is about 3 kms long and a decent 40 degree ascent. I couldn't do it. I knew I was in trouble after the 3rd streetlight, stopped after the 5th. There's probably about 15 streetlights. She kept going and I said I'd catch up. I didn't. She ran and ran and ran - turns out she's not only good at tennis and golf, she also runs marathons. i walked to the top and waited for her. Turns out she ran another 5 kms before turning around to find me waiting for her. She dumped me shortly after.

So when my future wife invited me to run with her, I made a stipulation - it had to be on a track, preferably one that went in a circle. I also asked her how many laps we were doing (3). I could do that. And I did. I also went for a short run the day before AND I remembered to stretch. And like I said, she's now my future wife and I want to get my body mostly back to where it was before the kids and the leftovers started piling up.    

So with that in mind, I'm trying to make the commitment to once again, change this shape a little bit. But not too fast - that way has never helped me. I go for a week or two, then forget about it. I lead a rough, non-routine lifestyle, 3 graveyard shifts, 2 kids that can't take care of themselves yet, a loving wife who likes to snuggle, a day job, a dream job, and the fire hall. It doesn't leave me much time to myself but here it is, I'm going to do a Yoga 30 Day Challenge.

Now, just so I remember where my head is at - I hear yoga, I think women wearing tight pants. Basic man thoughts. There might be one or two douchey guys in the class. It's a white person's version of Tai Chi. I understand that it helps align the spine and such, perhaps align my 'cosmic chi' so I feel more refreshed to go onto other, bigger things, like sit-ups or jogging.

I'm not going to class - I'm just youtubing it in my front room. I don't have the time/resources to dedicate to a class time - it's going to have to be when I can carve it out of the day.

I've just did Day One. All I could think of when I'm copying the lady is that this was sort of like doing warm-up stretches before football practice. But where back in the day, we would 'push' each other by yelling, she just talks about breathing and stuff. It was kind of annoying. It went for 30 minutes, I may have been annoyed because I had an audience watching which interrupted by Zen.

I'm not refreshed or had an epiphany or anything of the sort. But I've started and can commence countdown. Day 2 or Day 29, depending on whether you like to count up or down.

And oh yeah, as I wrote this I had a bowl of Chicago Mix because I haven't eaten since breakfast.