***This post deals with extremely graphic bodily functions. If you don't believe everyone poops, this article is not for you. That said...
And all because I finally decided to do something about my chronic exhaustion, bad diet and dad belly; I mentally snapped and purchased a cleansing kit, one of those dietary-type powders that is supposed to help your metabolism or something.
I remember, there was this time, nearly fifteen years ago when 'cleansing' was the 'in' thing to do. Maybe it still is but my life and social circle has changed from knowing who is starring in the next Tarantino movie to knowing who all the pups in the Paw Patrol are.
I knew about 'cleansing' because there was this girlfriend of a drinking buddy who was the group buzz kill. She'd be the only one not drinking and although nobody asked she'd find some opportunity (such as the waitress saying "would you like a drink?") to tell everyone she was on a cleanse.
I knew about 'cleansing' because there was this girlfriend of a drinking buddy who was the group buzz kill. She'd be the only one not drinking and although nobody asked she'd find some opportunity (such as the waitress saying "would you like a drink?") to tell everyone she was on a cleanse.
She said it as if it was something to be proud of. But not matter how many times she ‘cleansed’ she was still always a bit of a dick. We were all pretty happy when they finally broke up.
Now, nearly twenty years and twenty pounds later, I've decided to get serious about my health. No matter what you might think now, I’m here to tell you your body changes after 40. I start to think of the bathroom consequences of many of the foods I am about to eat. God help my toilet and asshole if I start craving hot sauce again. Funnily enough, I just watched an episode of Teen Titans GO! that perfectly summed up my evolution of addiction to spicy food.
So I ‘invested’ $50 and bought a cleanse and protein shake powder. I sure as shit (foreshadowing) was going to do this. Guaranteed fact I just made up is that if I actually pay for something, I am most likely going to use it. So I was going to get rid of all the toxins in my body. Maybe that’s all I needed, I figured, just a good flushing of my system because... toxins. And for good measure, once I decided this, I also decided to quit coffee. The Cleansing kit had a diet plan and I was going to follow it. Seven days. I can do this.
AND unlike certain people who have done the cleanse, I promised I was not going to tell anyone, other than my wife who always encourages me to lose weight. I don't think she really means it though. Whenever I make some type of weight loss statement, she promptly goes into the kitchen to start making delicious cookies, muffins or a cheesecake. I digress.
But this time, I was on to her little tricks. I was going to use WILL POWER, just like the mother-f**kin' Green Lantern.
So I cut off coffee on a Sunday afternoon, quaffed down some day-old nachos with my 7 year old daughter, ate 6 of my wife’s delicious cookies and mentally prepared for the next week’s ride.
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Day 1 – First thing in the morning I ignored the coffee pot and instead drank two vials of what I have named swamp water, which was about ½ the size of a can of pop. It had the viscosity of a warm milkshake and had this sweet/disgusting taste that reminded me of no-name candies you found in your Grandparents candy dish which probably been there since 1980. I also had a protein shake, skipping the usual extra large coffee I drink while driving to work.
I was on my way!
At lunch, I went to the deli across the street but was unable to find any Greek salad, my first ‘diet meal’. Instead I had a chick-pea salad and seeing as how I had never eaten that and it had the word salad in it, I figured it was an adequate substitute. I took my 5 pills and drank my second dose of swamp juice. So far, so good.
By 4pm, I began feeling the not-unexpected beginnings of caffeine withdrawal; the gnawing pain behind my temples; bad but not bad. I took a generic aspirin to get me through the rest of the day.
For dinner, I had a curried vege stir fry and five more pills. The stir fry wasn't part of the official diet plan but I was supposed to have one on Wednesday so I’m sure it was still quite acceptable in this cleansing routine. I was having doubts as to what I was supposed to eat and when would have any affect on the cleanse anyways. As long as I stayed in the health food vicinity, avoided hamburgers and fries for vegetables, it would still be a win. Besides, I’ve already tried quinoa after one of my wife's previous health kicks and was willing to try it again, all in the interest of sticking 'mostly' to the plan.
But my headache got worse after dinner so I had another aspirin and went to bed early. For added relief, I also put a cold washcloth on my forehead because everyone knows that cold washcloths are the best relief for everything. I fell asleep.
Then… and I have no idea if this was just because of the coffee withdrawals, the swamp juice I drank or both, at 3am I started going through those drug-type withdrawals you hear about. I was shaking, fever, freezing, head splitting, feeling like I was going to shit my pants. I made it to the bathroom, double flushed, took two Ibuprofen and crawled back into bed, hoping to hell that I wouldn’t be feeling this way in the morning.
And I didn’t.
Day 2 involved two more swamp juices, 10 more pills. I did the pills and the juice in the morning. My wife had made my protein shake too thick and it was still sitting solid in my travel mug by the time I got to work, an hour later. But my coffee craving wasn’t as bad as yesterday. Perhaps the 3am fever broke me of caffeine’s grip. Not to say I still couldn’t have drank one but I wanted to make the 48 hours. Small goals. I eventually was able to swallow down my shake.
For lunch, I couldn’t bring myself to drink the juice. I’d already been to the bathroom quite unexpectedly again and didn’t want to become ‘that guy’ at work. I bought a turkey wrap for lunch (I hear turkey is good for you) as there were no veggie wraps. It was blah, no more or less than I expected.
For dinner I told my wife I wouldn’t drink the swamp juice; I had a firefighter practice that night and I was worried about shitting my pants. That decision turned out to be the right call.
Interesting side effect; I found the need to tell someone I was cleansing overpowering. I confessed I was doing a cleanse to a fellow firefighter as we left the practice; he had been off the wagon (so, cleanse-light) for a few weeks and wanted to stay for a beer. I became that Debbie Downer from my twenties, “Sorry, but like, I’m, um on a cleanse?”
But he didn't say anything too condescending so that was good.
Day 3 - Next morning I took the last bottle of swamp juice, made a much thinner protein shake and was out the door. Two hours later, my fears about the firehall were confirmed when massive cramps forced me to the shitter. I was literally scared for my life. When it was mercifully all over and the pain subsided it left me wondering "What the fuck was that?"
I ducked out of my work closet to go to the toilet two more times that day, thinking how grateful I was that I'm not in an actual trade involving heavy equipment or flying an airplane. Doing a cleanse should come with a warning label "Do not take if not near proper sanitation facilities".
I was also dry-eyed, not sure if that's the result of the cleanse, lack of caffeine or what. While the rest of my body temperature was average, my eyes felt like I was in a desert. I found myself thinking at what day could I cheat with a good old hamburger and not feel guilty about it? Friday seemed a good day, only two days away.
Plus, it turned out it was going to be my last day at this work location. For the last month, I had been curious about a nearby restaurant which has a sign saying they have the best burgers in town. A boast like that needed to be investigated.
I made it home okay, with another trip straight to the toilet as soon as I got in the door. However, my headache hadn't reappeared. Maybe I was over the worst of my caffeine withdrawal. So that felt like a huge win. A simple little salad for dinner and I was ready to take on Day 4, without the fucking swamp juice.
Plus, it turned out it was going to be my last day at this work location. For the last month, I had been curious about a nearby restaurant which has a sign saying they have the best burgers in town. A boast like that needed to be investigated.
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| might just be it is a small town... |
Day 4 - Okay, so I hoped today would be better; no more swamp juice. Just the pills. I woke up at 530, stomach biting but I was going to teach my rectum who was boss. I waited until 630 then decided to get up and eat a bowl of cheerios. That helped. I made my protein shake and took the damn pills. Maybe today, there will be less pooping, so I thought.
There would be no anal relief this day. I had to run for a sudden pit stop two hours into my day and kept feeling cramps all afternoon. My butthole just wanted to stay closed, like your mouth does when the dentist is taking too long. Why was I pooping so much? I know it's not because of lack of coffee. Was it the swamp juice? Was it the pills? The shake? WHEN WILL I STOP POOPING?? I didn't even care about how much or if I had lost any weight. I just wanted to STOP. POOPING.
Yes, I know I already used that gif but it is seriously the most accurate and also a great show (Parks and Recreation).
The rest of the day dragged on. I got home early and decided to have a snack. Then I made the kids dinner, leftovers from the week, and as usual, cleaned off their plates. Then a few taco chips - not enough to feel guilty, but enough to say "Ok, stop it."
I doubt I have lost any weight, so I double check. Yep. Still the same. Feeling like I'm going to treat myself to that burger tomorrow.
Day 5 - aka BURGER DAY or Extenuating Circumstances Day. Today was my last day of employment in this certain part of the world. And still there was that restaurant with the sign, daring me. Ever since seeing that sign, I knew it was a date with destiny. And because of my sudden departure from this location I could justify the trip. And if I'm going to poop, let it be something I can at least enjoy going down before coming out.
So having emptied my bowels twice already that morning, I treated myself. And yes, the burger was great. It even had TWO garnishes on the plate and was held together by a toothpick which indicated it was going to be an expensive lunch. The fries were mediocre at best, which sucked. If you are going to claim the best burger, make sure you have a damn good sidekick coming with it. And full disclosure, to be somewhat true to my diet, I made it a chicken burger. Still at the end of the day there were a couple more trips to the john but I'm glad I could cross that off my bucket list.
Did it change my increasingly frequent and scary bowel movements? No. Nothing to eat that night aside from some small snacks that aren't even worth mentioning.
Day 6 - I'm so near the end. I am confident my coffee habit is completely kicked now, which was only a side bet of this whole cleanse thing. I don't want to give it up completely (still a rebel to those tea-toting masses) so I am sort of making plans on where should I rejoin the caffeine nation and how. I don't want it to be merely with a cup of piss-pot generic bulk coffee blend at my house, nor some chain store coffee that I've had hundreds of times already. I want it to be an experience; a memory, almost like I'm the star of a commercial that espouses the truths we all want to believe about the natural highs we get from coffee. That I will be one with the universe. Woop-
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I had to postpone that train of thought as I had to go take another shit. I'm so tired of this, I am almost yearning for the times when I was constipated, just reading chapter after chapter of a good book on the throne while never feeling quite empty. Now it's the reverse. I'm going "Like, how can I possibly have another shit?! I have nothing but these fucking pills in me. Please, Lord. I'm sorry. Just stop me pooping." And for whatever reason, a lot more mass is coming out of my body than just those 10 fucking pills a day.
So, fuck it. I got a little drunk on Day 6. A few Caesars and a couple beers later, I'm feeling okay. I have a little buzz but nothing too bad. I had a decent sized meal, but still easy on the calories; spicy pineapple chicken and rice with salad. I'm getting used to the lower stomach cramps. I tell myself it's my body losing weight and hope to hell it's not the insides of my stomach lining I'm shitting out of my poor ass.
Day 7 - Last day!! I'm pretty stoked to be getting my rectum back to be honest. If there was a way I could cool it down from it's 100 mile-per-dump days it's been having, I'm all for it. Just five more pills to take tonight and it's over.
And to celebrate I'm taking my daughter to a diner. Not 'the best burgers in town' restaurant, but a real diner, where seating is limited and the take-out does as much business as the stay-in. And it's going to be delicious. I'm going with a bacon cheeseburger with everything, hopefully made my some guy with a monosyllabic name like Mel or Al.
Epilogue
The cheeseburger was great but after the meal my stomach was hurting. I felt bloated. I ate too many diner fries and shared a milkshake with my daughter. What was once an old school high calorie lunch was now somewhat of a chore for me. It was like I could feel myself growing fatter. So... i guess that was good. I'm not ready to push my stomach that far again.
I've become more aware of what I eat and have managed to put a slight brake on my usual diet. I think having to forfeit a lot of foods and coffee has helped me regain a bit of better sensory taste to things. Maybe. I could be speaking out of my ass if it wasn't so sore. I still have another bowel movement left in me but tomorrow morning I am going to return to taking it one meal at a time. No more pills. Just a protein shake for breakfast and I've packed a green salad for lunch and a hard-boiled egg.
And like my Yoga days, this cleanse is over. For good. My asshole will be thanking me soon enough.
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